Thy Will and Not Mine Own

In December I found out I was losing my job in January of 2015. I will be receiving compensation and it will help my husband and I be able to pay off a size-able amount of debt.

A while after I found out how much I would receive, my husband brought up going back to the fertility clinic and doing another round of IVF. When he first proposed this, I was so excited! Not only was he now on board with having another baby, he was willing to go through all the hell that is fertility treatments to help us get there.

But as months went on, and the plans I started making kept running through my mind, something nagged in my heart.

And a week ago I received my personal revelation telling me what I needed to do. I had written earlier about a feeling I had gotten in the Temple in September when we had found out our second fertility attempt at expanding our family had not worked. In September, I was given the very strong impression that we would be blessed with another child naturally, when the timing was right for our family.

In the excitement of getting such a strong support from Ryan to expand our family, I had temporarily forgotten that message I had received. But then it came back.

I made the hardest decision by going back to Ryan and let him know I wasn’t comfortable returning to the fertility clinic. Most often, the right decisions are the hardest to make – and this was agonizing. I was choosing to give up the greatest desire in my life to have a big family, with minimal age differences and put my life entirely towards the will of our Heavenly Father.

I don’t know if we will ever get our 2nd, 3rd or 4th baby, but we will always hold that faith. What I do know is that Heavenly Father will provide a way and it won’t be through fertility treatments.

When it comes to my family, there are a lot of things that happen I can’t explain
– I couldn’t explain how I was foretold that during our IVF, I knew the eggs wouldn’t fertilize on their own.
– I can’t explain how I knew I would have a boy the day the embryo was transferred and that I knew what he would look like because I had already seen his face in a dream.
– I don’t know how to explain that my next child will be a girl – I just know.
– And I don’t know how to explain that I know pursuing more fertility treatments isn’t the answer to become pregnant.

The only answer I do have is that the Spirit leads and guides us everyday if we listen to him – and that anything is possible if you have the faith. It may not be the answer you think it should be, or how you think things should end up, but it will be the way it is meant to be. This is what keeps me going day after day.

The Journey of 1

In August of 2013 we started our journey to expand our family. We had one embryo left. I thought this was it. It was perfect timing to have another baby and our children would be exactly two years apart – exactly what I wanted. Plus we only had the one left so I thought it was a sign – our second child to make our family complete. The timing of the appointments were also falling into place in that I didn’t have to take any additional time off work.

I was so excited all the way there on the day of the transfer. I was going to be pregnant again. I reveled in the fact I could be pregnant with my sister-in-law and our children would be the same age. I excitedly planned all the play dates we could have in my mind because we would have the majority of our mat leave off together.

I anxiously tested, waiting for that second pink line I had been dreaming about. But as each day went by, the line didn’t show up. I was speechless. I knew I would have at least one more child and this was supposed to be that chance, especially because the chances of getting pregnant on my own was virtually zero and we planned on doing only one round of IVF.

In my mind, this was our last and only chance.

On September 5th, our last chance was over. I took my last test that confirmed we were done. Connor wasn’t going to be a big brother. I would never experience pregnancy again. I would never have a newborn in my home to snuggle all hours of the day.

I felt myself slowly slipping into a dark hole that was much too familiar. It was the same hole I found myself in 3 years earlier. I heard myself scream ‘NO!’ inside my head.

And then as clearly as if someone were standing beside me, I heard a voice. The voice told me to go the Temple. I listened and went.

As I was sitting in the Celestial Room, this calm went over me. I knew He had a plan for me. If it was meant to happen, it would happen by His hand and in His time. The darkness filled with light and I had a positivity and surety of this little girl I knew was meant to join our family.

I re-read my patriarchal blessing and now I wait, with faith, for my little girl to join us. Connor will be a big brother, I’m sure of it. Whether it will be in the next year, or in the next 10, that I do not know. Whenever He is ready for our family to grow, it will grow.

Our Babies and Attachment

Every mother attaches differently to their baby. Some instantly attach the minute the second line comes up on the pregnancy test. They coo and talk to their tummy from that moment on and become an instant momma bear the minute their baby comes into the world.

But this may not be the case for everyone out there. It certainly wasn’t the case for me.
When I got pregnant, I was so worried about not becoming attached to the baby I did everything I could to become as connected as I could. I ordered a Doppler so I could listen to our baby’s heartbeat at home. I ordered four extra private ultrasounds so I could make it more real for me. We found out the sex of the baby so we could have a name right away, call it by that name and so that I could have a nursery more specific to the little person about to join our family. And although I didn’t read to my baby, as we got closer to the due date, we would have a few conversations and I did sing to my tummy every night before bed (the same song I still sing every night before Connor goes to bed).

No matter what I did though, I just didn’t feel that strong connection that I had heard about. Or maybe I did, and because of all my other underlying issues, didn’t know how to recognize it.

When Connor was born I loved him, but it wasn’t what I was expecting. I thought it would be one of those moments you see on tv where you cry as you hold your baby and see them for the first time. That wasn’t the case for me.

You know when they have to take blood for testing and blood sugar readings and they prick your baby’s foot? They had to do it multiple times for Connor as they couldn’t get enough blood for a good reading. I didn’t feel anything. I was so rational and understood why they were doing it I just watched them feeling indifferent. But then my sister-in-law recounted her story about how she immediately wanted to grab her child and punch the nurse in the face (I’m paraphrasing); There was this instant guilt that I didn’t feel that way. I’m his mother! I’m supposed to have that protective instinct!

I discovered my love grew every day. It wasn’t many months later that Connor had his first ER visit because of croup and I had a VERY hard time keeping it together because I was worried. There was also a time when we were dealing with specialists because of his flat spot caused by his torticollis. As they manipulated his head this way and that, it took everything in my being to not snatch him back (and he wasn’t even crying this time!)

That reaction made me feel so much better because I knew that instinct had come. I was just one of those people where the feeling grows and builds instead of instantly coming into fruition.

There are still days where my confidence in my attachment strength waivers. Often it’s when Connor would prefer to be with anyone but me. Or how he’ll adventure everywhere without really caring if I’m there or not. Generally, I’m quite proud that he’s so independent and sure of himself and that the feels comfortable with others. But sometimes I waiver with the thought that he does it because he’s not attached to me. Or rather, that he’s attached himself to those people OVER me. It’s a challenging balance because I know that his personality and our parenting style largely factors into this as well.

I was mostly proud of this independent child-o’-mine until a few months ago when I was out getting a pedicure with my mother and sister-in-law. We were talking about our kids and what different personalities they have and it came up how my nephew liked to stay close and my son likes to wander and explore, with really no regard to where you are in relation to him.

The girl working on my sister-in-law asked “Did you breastfeed?” If I wasn’t so shocked I might have been able to come up with some witty response. Instead, I shockingly answered “NO”. She went on saying that was probably why as most babies that are breastfed are more attached and need their mom more than the babies who are fed from a bottle.

Feelings of failure wracked my brain. Maybe that WAS why I didn’t feel so attached to Connor. Maybe I should have done more to keep breastfeeding… NO! NO! NO!

Ladies – what that woman said to me was wrong! She should not have said it in the first place! Do NOT ever feel like the decisions you’ve made for your baby was a mistake. You did what was right for you at the time, and no one has the right to judge you for it or say any different. For me – choosing to pump and bottle feed and then going to formula was in both my and Connor’s best interest and there’s no point playing the ‘what if’ game. I felt no guilt making this decision at the time and I think that guilt crept up again because I was already so worried that I messed up one of the most important relationships of my life because of my own attachment problems.

I have come to accept that I’m not going to be able to see what everyone else sees in terms of a healthy attachment. My eyes are clouded and I’m never going to think it is enough. Right now, I look to my husband to reassure me that, yes, I am doing a good job and that my son and I are bonded. And sometimes, when my judgement is clear, I understand what he’s trying to tell me when my little boy shyly comes to hold my leg when a stranger say ‘hi’ and when suppertime is a challenge because I have a little helper that doesn’t want to leave my side while I’m cooking. Or the days where rushes to give me a kiss and a hug when I come home from work and he gives me a big squeeze. I’m his mother and I know that he loves me and is confident in my love for him – I just need to convince myself of that fact once in a while.

The ‘L’ Word

I’m talking about Love. Not just feeling it, but saying it and letting those around you know how you feel. That’s something I have a very hard time with. Call it my upbringing or my stemming attachment issues, but I just don’t really say it. Out loud, I’ve said it to a handful of people. I hope those people know that for me to say it, I am breaking a very thick wall deep in myself.

Of course there are those where the words flow easily. My husband, for example, and my son (although it always feels strange to say it out loud in front of other people, and it’s also odd to hear other people say those words to my son – again, attachment issues). Just recently I found my mom has been saying it far more often to me, and I’m surprised to find how easily I can reciprocate the sentiment.

I mentioned in another post how having my child has healed in my ways I never thought was possible. One of those ways was my love for other people. He makes it so much easier to open up my heart. He reinforces that there are people out there who love unconditionally and I shouldn’t be afraid to put my trust and love in them. He helps me say I Love You more often, so that it’s easier to say it to more people without that strange awkwardness.

I still have those drawbacks, but the more I’m with my son, the easier it feels to break the chains I’ve held in my heart for so long now. I’ve always wanted love and attention, I’ve longed for people to hold me and hug me and just have that contact, but the dis-attachment inside never allowed me to trust those people. To not show how I felt because I was always so afraid they’d leave me too. Connor’s has helped me work through that. I just hope I can give him what he’s given me. Love.

Our Decision

We’re trying again with the one little embryo we have left. I’ve been thinking about doing this pretty much from our last transfer in 2011. So at the beginning of the year, we started our last journey with our Fertility Clinic to give Connor a little brother or sister. Sometimes I’m envious of those couples who can just get pregnant on a whim and who get to enjoy trying. But then the planner in me is almost grateful for the chance to plan and lead up to it. The greatest thing in my last pregnancy was seeing it grow on a cellular level. Not a lot of people get to witness that and experience or appreciate the true journey of conception.

So we’re jumping in! What a journey this will be. We’ve decided this time around not to share the details of when this is going to happen. At least this way there will be some surprise for our family. And then I can wait until I’m ready to share the news. Last time I was pressured to tell everyone before I was ready and I don’t want to have to go through that again.

I still worry about what will happen if it doesn’t work. Especially because I know it’s only a matter of time before we are faced with a pregnancy within our family once again. Will everything blow up like it did 2.5 years ago? Will I go into a tailspin of darkness? Or will I manage to accept the outcome of my life and openly embrace what happens.

I’ve really struggled with the threat of a repeat of what happened in Dec 2010 – March 2011, that caused a crevice in my family; and me going off work for three months, barely able to get out of bed. So since January I’ve been preparing, waiting with baited breath anytime the talk of a potential pregnancy came up, and then my body relaxing when something was done to reassure me it wasn’t yet to be.

The amazing thing was that as time went on, I didn’t get as uptight about the pregnancy possibility. And in turn, I worried less about what might NOT happen with me to instead focus on the GREAT thing I already have. I can’t control the fact that some people get pregnant just by thinking about it. What I can control is how blessed I am being able to experience pregnancy, child-birth and motherhood at least once, which is still more than a lot of women out there.

I used to put a lot of faith in my Patriarchal Blessing as it mentioned children in my life (not just 1 – at least 2). However, Ryan has wisely reminded me our Patriarchal Blessings are not only in this lifetime, but through eternity as well. So I am placing less focus on that it will happen right now and instead placing more trust in Heavenly Father. I believe He will find a way for us to have more children if that is in our future. But to do that, I need to live in the moment and appreciate what I have already been blessed with, while remembering that this great gift that I have been given is a sacred privilege, not a right.

So when I hit a roadblock in April that caused my plans for an embryo transferred to be delayed by 8 weeks or so, I was able to bounce back quickly and stay relatively positive (other than the one breakdown after I had to cancel my ultrasound and was told it couldn’t be re-booked and I’d have to wait until my next cycle. Although, it might have also been because my grandmother had just died and we were dealing with funeral arrangements and hospital headaches). I felt like this just meant it wasn’t quite time yet, but when the time was right, the door would be opened for me.

I am always surprised by how easily this journey has been compared to the first time. The fact that I have such a great little boy at home doesn’t hurt! He has healed so much in my life already, I just don’t know what I would do without him and I hope as he gets older I can continue to let him know what a blessing he is to me. He is everything I could have ever wanted and if this new journey allows for a larger family ~ then that’s just gravy ❤

The Internal Struggle

There’s a fine line with infertility. You are constantly on an emotional edge that can range from euphoria to despair with no consistent trigger.

So after the struggle of achieving our miracle pregnancy, we were left with one solo embryo to freeze and attempt to transfer at a later date.

But did we want to tread on that ledge once more? Would we end up in the same position? What if we had to deal with family pregnancies at the same time of finding out if this didn’t work – would we be able to do it?

Maybe we should not tempt fate, deal with the fact our son may be the best we can get and move on with our lives.

But then you’re faced with the what if’s of not giving it a shot. What if it had worked and we cold have had the family we had dreamt about.

What do you do? Do you take the road of potential heartache for that 10-35% chance of happiness? Or stay in your bubble, accept what you have and move on? Could we handle the failure? Would we be strong enough to stop and not try again (as we had only said one Fresh IVF cycle).

Are we selfish to want at least one more and tempt fate again after everything we went through just for our first? But then are we selfish to not try? Are there more souls waiting to be a part of our family that we’re not even going to fight for? I just feel my heart and head go back and forth like a tug-o’-war…and no one is moving.

Foot IN Mouth Disease

You know what I’m talking about. That terrible disease that sneaks up on you and causes you to say things that are hurtful, insensitive and inappropriate without thinking twice – and more often than not, without even realizing/knowing it!

FIMD crept up on me this week. I’ve been known to have relapses and remissions of this affliction throughout my life. I seem to be in a relapse as a result of the introduction of new environments these past few days.

I started back to work on Tuesday, and though I’ve been employed for five years, being away for a year causes some lapses in memory when it comes to a lot of things work-related. Especially work-content related. So to help me along, I have a return to work plan and a very knowledgeable, wonderful and extremely helpful mentor. That I’ve never met before, because she started the exact time I left.

Generally, if I were learning new skills, how long a person has been there would be no problem. They know more, I’m there to learn and that’s that. But this is different. I have four years of experience, four years of situations that happen within the work environment, and four years of mastering a lot of these skills. I’m not new.

So FIMD flared up and I said some totally inappropriate comments about how long I had been there…in front of this wonderful person. I didn’t even realize how she had taken it (as I was completely about it), until it came back to me this past day in a follow-up meeting. I was so embarrassed! And mad at myself! And so sad that I had made her feel like I didn’t respect or appreciate her! Because I do. However, we don’t know each other and so our styles, which are totally different, didn’t have a chance to complement each other and caused a blockade.

I felt so stupid. I didn’t even realize the comments I had made. When it was brought up, I’m sure the look of confusion was apparent. “I said what? No, of course I think she was an excellent choice to help me get back into the groove! Geez, I am so sorry that she felt like that or even if I didn’t, that my actions could have made her feel like that!”

It just goes to show I haven’t been around enough adults this past year. I was hoping to apologize directly as soon as it came up, but ran out of time. I’m hoping I can get past my total embarrassment/chicken-ess and let her know how much I truly appreciate what she’s done.

I guess I was trying to make chit-chat, maybe try and make me not feel like such an idiot as some of the details of my return-to-work plan don’t account the time I’ve already put in. But I really need to think about what I say next time. Into remission, FIMD! I’m finished with you!

My baby boy is ONE!

I can’t believe this day has come! A year ago I was blessed with the most precious and perfect gift I could ever ask for and yesterday we got to celebrate him being in our life for a whole year! This has been a truly remarkable year for me. I learned so many things about myself and our family. I learned that no matter how angry or upset I was, I could always genuinely smile at my son. He is the purest form of joys and love that I’ve been witness to in my life. He has made my existence more purposeful, and so much brighter. I have watched him grow in so many ways and I am so excited to guide him along his journey of becoming a good man.

I love that he’s mister independence, has such a sense of humour and is so willing to go out and explore the world. I hope I can help build these wonderful traits and help him discover new talents and passions as he goes along life. His wonderment at the world is astounding and I try to remember to see the world through a child’s eyes more often, as that’s were honesty and innocence lies.

He is my everything. I have been so privileged to have been chosen to be his mother in today’s world. And his faith in me helps me have faith in myself.

He is strong, yet gentle, and I hope I can help him be who it is he’s meant to be.

Happy birthday, my love. I’ll always be right here with you, holding your hand.

25 Things ~ 6-10

6. I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints

On September 4, 2004 I was baptized and joined the LDS Church. It has been the hardest decision I’ve had to make so far, but certainly the most fulfilling for me, personally. In deciding to join this church, I lost some very good friends and for a while lost my family as well. Instead of trying to understand me and accept and love me despite my decision to join an unknown world, I had people try and convince me not to do it, and to turn their back on me. My family tolerates my lifestyle choices and changes now, but I never got those friends back. Being LDS is not an easy thing to do in this world. But I can proudly say that I belong to this Church and can honestly say I have been truly blessed by it.

7. Family is #1.

I will do anything and everything for my family. They are the most important things to me. As I mentioned in my first 25 things blog post I reconnected with my biological family about 7 years ago and that has meant so much to me. For me, my main family is Ryan, Connor and I and then extends to my parents, grandparents and siblings. Although I cherish the time spent with my cousins when I was younger, I find it hard to commit 100% to them as they grow as a family in their own way as well. I still appreciate the time I get with them, but to be honest my main focus is building the relationships with those closest to me. With my family in all corners of the province there have been some challenges, but I hope they recognize they are in the forefront of my mind and heart. And to my cousins and their children – I wish I had the time and energy to stay in touch and connect more, but you are also in my thoughts as well. (And for this reason I love what Facebook has allowed us to do in terms of connecting :))

8. I can play piano.

I started piano lessons when I was 7 and managed to get to Grade 10 by the time I finished high school. I miss my time at my piano and am trying to play more often. I was playing at least one song a day, but now since having Connor my piano has been neglected. I always thought I would be a piano teacher and it’s still something I consider time and again and I have a goal to get my certification in piano. When that will happen, I’m not sure, but someday.

9. I’m a know-it-all.

I know things. Random facts I’ve learned through the years. I was a part of the trivia team in high school and I love games like I Don’t Know Jack and Trivial Pursuit. The thing is……if I know something, you need to know it too. Especially if you’re wrong. It’s a horrible trait and leads to a few arguments with Ryan. But it comes down to this: I must be right. And I am 90% of the time.

10. I went to school for 5 years and have nothing to show for it.

That’s right. I was two months away from graduating with two degrees and I backed out. Call it a bad situation, call it the system failure, but I call it a blessing. I went to University young and unaware of who I actually was. I started a program out of the fact I would have a job, not out of passion or a calling to what I wanted to do with my life. I felt like it was unacceptable to leave high school and not do anything else – that I would be regarded as some lower-level being. Especially since I was an honor student. I had potential and I needed to do something with it, right?  No. I should have explored myself as a human being more to know what I really wanted to do with my life. I don’t regret the things I learned, though and it helped me understand my brother better and I was just able to grow up in a safer environment, I think. And I’ve figured out what I want – it’s what I’ve always wanted but never thought it would be viewed as an acceptable ‘career’. But I’m a mother and that’s all I’ve ever wanted to be. That should be enough.

25 Things ~ 1-5

Way back when on Facebook, there was a tagging game where you list 25 things about yourself. I thought I would revisit this as so many things have changed since last. And then here, I also have a change to give some explanation and back-ground. I find if I put it out there, not only do people ‘get’ me better, but I just understand myself better, you know? So here we go (in no particular order):

1. I am adopted.

In 1984, a very brave, very young girl made one of the biggest sacrifices of her life. No one will ever know the great burden she carried during that time or how it affected her as she grew up, but I can say that I am grateful for whatever she did. I came at the perfect time to be given to a pretty good home where I was able to grow up and enjoy the little luxuries I would never have had if things had gone the other way. I think all things come at a price, though – for all involved. For me, I suffer from attachment issues and have a really hard time establishing relationships and building on them so that they last. Mostly because I have huge trust issues and most people don’t understand why I act the way I do.

For the last seven years I have been working on establishing a relationship with my biological mother’s family and slowly, but surely, I think we’re getting to a really great spot in our lives together. And in the last five years I’ve been doing the same with my biological father, albeit the journey with him has taken a bit more time. I feel truly blessed that along with the decision of giving me to a loving home, my bio mom also chose to stay findable so if and when I was ready, I could start building that bridge.

I have never felt anger or hurt for what my biological mom did. I never felt like she gave me up maliciously. It always made perfect sense in my mind that a 13 year old girl would do something like that instead of raising me. Children shouldn’t raise children. And she once said – “you were never meant to be mine completely. I knew you were meant to be with another family that would love you. I was just that vessel to bring you here.” And how grateful I am.

2. I have an attachment disorder.

It’s a proven fact that all adopted children will have some form of an attachment disorder. How it presents itself and to what severity is as individual as the person. When I got married, my husband would say that I had some sort of attachment issue because I was adopted. I constantly disagreed with him. It wasn’t until two years ago, however, that I finally admitted to it, and began trying to understand it, how it affected my relationships and what I could do to improve myself. I’m sure 95 percent of the people in my life don’t understand this important part of me at all. Even if they say they do. That’s fine, I don’t always understand it either. All I ask is for patience if I don’t seem to act like I should in certain relationship dynamics.

With my attachment, I have huge trust issues. It takes a long time for me to feel 100% comfortable with someone and to trust them in everything. The problem is, when I feel that trust, I attach to them 1000% and then the second I’m disappointed with something they do, or don’t feel like they care enough, the wall comes up again only sometimes it feels like it then takes twice as long for that trust to be rebuilt.  Because of this, I have lost friendships. That makes me very sad, but I’m sure in some cases it’s much to late to do anything about it, and it others that I’ve tried to rebuilt, because they don’t understand me, my efforts have gone seemingly unnoticed, or they’ve been minimized to ‘not enough’.

For example, I never make the first move in friendships or anything. I need to know that it’s safe for me first through the other person’s actions. Once I’m in, I’m in for the long haul and I think I’m a pretty decent friend who’ll be there at any time I’m needed. But I guess I need to be shown you’re worth it first. I know that sounds awful, and is probably why I don’t have a lot of friends in my life. Also, if I’ve taken a step to invite you to do something or talk, it may seem like the smallest thing to you, but for me it is stepping 100 feet out of my comfort zone. And if at anytime I feel like I’m not worth your time, that you’ve shrugged me off for whatever reason, I’ll stop.

3. I’m a mother.

This is the newest thing in my life. It was one of the hardest journeys I’ve had to go through, but also the most rewarding. It was actually a year ago this month (the 7th) that Ryan and I started our in vitro path. I live for my baby boy. Heavenly Father blessed this family with the greatest miracle I have ever witnessed in my life so far and my heart as never been fuller. Connor is almost 3 months now and he just amazes me at how he grows and what he learns to do every single day. I desperately hope we will be blessed with more children, but if that’s not God’s plan for us, I can confidently say I would never feel like anything is ever missing with just him.

4. I am an infertile.

You would think this wouldn’t mean anything now, would you? There’s a saying – ‘once an infertile, always an infertile’. Why is that, you ask? Having a baby doesn’t mean I’m fertile. It meant that I sacrificed a great deal of privacy, time and money to get what I have today. And if I want to do it again, I’ll still have to commit time, privacy and money.  It still means sometimes I have to work really hard to be genuinely happy for someone who gets to plan when, and never have to worry about that. It means I still occasionally get jealous of those people, even when I have a living, breathing miracle sleeping in the next room. Those feelings are never going to go away. I won’t get to choose how many children we’ll have or how big our family will be unless I’m willing to go tens to hundreds of thousands dollars in debt. I’ve had to face reality that my once dream of having five kids is not the reality. I’ve had to face the reality that the one I have may be all I get.

5. I pick at things.

Here’s a little bit lighter subject. And a little gross and embarrassing, I must admit. Labels, scabs, zits…if it can be picked and prodded, I’ll do it. I’ll even go as far as doing it to other people – namely, my husband. It’s pathetic, really. I’m beginning to think I need professional help to deal with this one. 🙂