All of me

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Goodbye 2011!

2011 has been both one of the worst years of my life and one of the best. There were so many extreme ups and downs throughout these past 12 months, I am more than happy to start a new year as a new me.

One of the most precious, and yet the hardest thing to have happened was the arrival of my nephew. He literally makes my life so much more full, and seeing his sweet little face always brings such a warmth to my heart and a smile to my face. Sometimes I’m sorry that his journey into my life had to be such a rough one and that, before his arrival, I had to work so hard to be happy for his birth. This joy caused the most strife in my life, for so many reasons – namely, because it really brought my husband’s and my infertility to light. It was something we had to deal with when we heard someone so close to us was expecting and made to deal with the truth we had pushed aside for so long.

And for a few months, the road didn’t get any better for the two of us. Fertility treatments weren’t working as we had hoped and we were forced to bring out the ‘big guns’. It was IVF or nothing and we were faced with a huge financial burden. I started giving myself two needles a day and use a nasal spray to basically shut down the hormones my body naturally produced. I was forced to travel to Calgary every second or third day and my most private things were just open for everyone and their dog to see.

But out of that heartache and struggles we’ve gotten some of the best things out of this year. In February, my husband and I took our very first big trip to Cuba and were able to have the honeymoon we could never afford when we first got married. I celebrated five years of being married to my perfect half. We welcomed a beautiful nephew into our family and have had the greatest privilege of watching him grow and become a little boy. I have learned who I truly am, and who those who love me without judgement are, and I’ve gained a greater appreciation for a family who I know will be there ever day of my journey, because they were there when we needed them most.

And maybe one of the greatest gifts I could ever imagine was given to me this year. The gift of motherhood. After so many tears, many dollars, wishing, and praying, we will finally be welcoming a son into our family. 2011 started in a valley, but prepared us for the greatest happiness we will know in 2012. So I will look back fondly at 2011 as I anxiously await for my best year yet.

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Is this for real?

I’ve been asking myself this a lot lately. Is this for real? Can you really tell me there’s a living thing growing inside my uterus and in may I”m going to ‘pop’ it out and we’ll have the family we’ve been dreaming of for the last five years?  It is for real? I still don’t believe it.

I’ve had three ultrasounds so far. Three. The first one was at 7 weeks and we saw the heartbeat flickering. I thought I would be overcome with emotion at this miracle we were creating – nothing. Then at 10 and 12 weeks we had an ultrasound and we got a video to take home. I watch the video everyday and afterwards, when I’m done all I can think of is that it’s a complete fake and that’s not really what’s inside.

We’ve waiting so long for this to happen, I guess I’m just seriously protecting myself from the worst. But come on, mind! I’m 14.5 weeks already! It’s happening!

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