All of me

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My Greatest Wish Will Come True

I always feel most inspired to write on Sunday’s. I’m not sure why. Maybe it’s because I feel the most awakened spiritually and emotionally. Today is no exception.

My husband and I received the date of our first fertility consult three weeks ago. It’s on September 21. Two days away, now. Frightening. I know. Exciting. Absolutely. What I didn’t realize, was that the closest we got to the date, how emotionally heightened I feel. On a scale of one to ten I would say I’m probably a 15 right now. Ridiculous. I’m weepy over everything. Trying to find the hope and positivity I need to get through this and to be prepared for what they have to say.

I’m really worried they’ll tell me I’m too fat for them to do anything and I have to lose at least 50 pounds before they even consider helping me. It’s so irrational – right? I’m also worried they’ll tell us we have no choice but to do IVF and then we’re scrambling to be able to find enough money to survive for that. I’m almost 100% sure that’s not going to happen, but there’s the few percentage of doubt in my heart.

last night I had a dream as well were Ryan’s test results were superb which means the downfall of us not having children relied directly upon me. I know this is probably the case. I just don’t want to hear those words spoken out loud, I guess. I’m much better at being the supporter instead of being the person in need of the support. I guess it would feel more of a team obstacle, with both parties involved. I’m afraid of the guilt that will follow – thinking ‘it’s all my fault’. I know it’s not my fault that this is how my body is and that I am one of the unfortunate ones who doesn’t balance in the way nature intended. But I really don’t want to see resentment in my husband’s eyes if 10 years down the road we’re still struggling and he feels it’s all my fault.

That’s how I was feeling last night – but today came a whole new light. I have been working very hard in increasing my faith in my Heavenly Father that this is the path I need to be on and that my promises will be fulfilled by Him. I’m trying to understand why he’s chosen this trial on me and my family and learning to put all my trust in Him so that I may overcome what He’s given me. I’m doing everything I can – I study my scriptures, pray, I’m finally getting my patriarchal blessing and for the first time in my life, I have asked my home teachers for a blessing as well.

Today was the day I received my blessing from my home teachers. It is always so surreal when receiving something through the Priesthood. The power I could feel is indescribable. I was filled with such love and warmth – I knew everything would be okay. This is the beginning of something so special for both myself and Ryan. I felt like my chest was going to burst. It was funny, too, because the lesson in Relief Society today was also on Faith. And the work that comes with the Faith we need to have and build towards in our Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ.

Today, because of one last message I received from Heavenly Father – my testimony on Faith was increased.  Tonight I had a family supper at a Chinese Restaurant. At the end of the meal, the server brought out the fortune cookies. I looked at the first tray and thought, “That is something I don’t need. Don’t bother, Jen.” And then she brought a second plate out and before I even had time to think, my hand shot out and grabbed one of the cookies. I should also say I felt prompted to do so, it’s just my hand reacted faster than my brain in response to this little nudge I felt. I opened the cookie and my fortune read, “Your greatest wish will come true.” If I wasn’t already biting my lip, there would have been no stopping of the tears! That is the answer I needed today. In response to my prayer, scripture-reading and the blessing, Heavenly Father was letting me know he had my back. My wish was going to come true. Someday, somehow I will have children in my life. I know this – I have Faith that the Lord will provide.

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