All of me

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Thy Will and Not Mine Own

In December I found out I was losing my job in January of 2015. I will be receiving compensation and it will help my husband and I be able to pay off a size-able amount of debt.

A while after I found out how much I would receive, my husband brought up going back to the fertility clinic and doing another round of IVF. When he first proposed this, I was so excited! Not only was he now on board with having another baby, he was willing to go through all the hell that is fertility treatments to help us get there.

But as months went on, and the plans I started making kept running through my mind, something nagged in my heart.

And a week ago I received my personal revelation telling me what I needed to do. I had written earlier about a feeling I had gotten in the Temple in September when we had found out our second fertility attempt at expanding our family had not worked. In September, I was given the very strong impression that we would be blessed with another child naturally, when the timing was right for our family.

In the excitement of getting such a strong support from Ryan to expand our family, I had temporarily forgotten that message I had received. But then it came back.

I made the hardest decision by going back to Ryan and let him know I wasn’t comfortable returning to the fertility clinic. Most often, the right decisions are the hardest to make – and this was agonizing. I was choosing to give up the greatest desire in my life to have a big family, with minimal age differences and put my life entirely towards the will of our Heavenly Father.

I don’t know if we will ever get our 2nd, 3rd or 4th baby, but we will always hold that faith. What I do know is that Heavenly Father will provide a way and it won’t be through fertility treatments.

When it comes to my family, there are a lot of things that happen I can’t explain
– I couldn’t explain how I was foretold that during our IVF, I knew the eggs wouldn’t fertilize on their own.
– I can’t explain how I knew I would have a boy the day the embryo was transferred and that I knew what he would look like because I had already seen his face in a dream.
– I don’t know how to explain that my next child will be a girl – I just know.
– And I don’t know how to explain that I know pursuing more fertility treatments isn’t the answer to become pregnant.

The only answer I do have is that the Spirit leads and guides us everyday if we listen to him – and that anything is possible if you have the faith. It may not be the answer you think it should be, or how you think things should end up, but it will be the way it is meant to be. This is what keeps me going day after day.

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The Journey of 1

In August of 2013 we started our journey to expand our family. We had one embryo left. I thought this was it. It was perfect timing to have another baby and our children would be exactly two years apart – exactly what I wanted. Plus we only had the one left so I thought it was a sign – our second child to make our family complete. The timing of the appointments were also falling into place in that I didn’t have to take any additional time off work.

I was so excited all the way there on the day of the transfer. I was going to be pregnant again. I reveled in the fact I could be pregnant with my sister-in-law and our children would be the same age. I excitedly planned all the play dates we could have in my mind because we would have the majority of our mat leave off together.

I anxiously tested, waiting for that second pink line I had been dreaming about. But as each day went by, the line didn’t show up. I was speechless. I knew I would have at least one more child and this was supposed to be that chance, especially because the chances of getting pregnant on my own was virtually zero and we planned on doing only one round of IVF.

In my mind, this was our last and only chance.

On September 5th, our last chance was over. I took my last test that confirmed we were done. Connor wasn’t going to be a big brother. I would never experience pregnancy again. I would never have a newborn in my home to snuggle all hours of the day.

I felt myself slowly slipping into a dark hole that was much too familiar. It was the same hole I found myself in 3 years earlier. I heard myself scream ‘NO!’ inside my head.

And then as clearly as if someone were standing beside me, I heard a voice. The voice told me to go the Temple. I listened and went.

As I was sitting in the Celestial Room, this calm went over me. I knew He had a plan for me. If it was meant to happen, it would happen by His hand and in His time. The darkness filled with light and I had a positivity and surety of this little girl I knew was meant to join our family.

I re-read my patriarchal blessing and now I wait, with faith, for my little girl to join us. Connor will be a big brother, I’m sure of it. Whether it will be in the next year, or in the next 10, that I do not know. Whenever He is ready for our family to grow, it will grow.

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