All of me

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Frustration

My husband and I have been trying to have a baby for almost four years now. No luck. I have had the tests, he’s had the tests, and they say everything is fine. Everything is not fine.  How is it possible to have unexplainable infertility? Nothing is unexplainable. But that seems to be the case for us.

For the last eight months I have been seeing an acupuncturist and traditional Chinese medicine doctor. At first I was hopeful, and now, once again, I’m losing faith. Things started out great! Symptoms of illness I had been experiencing for three years had ended completely and I felst sooo much better. I started following the Blood Type Diet and only eating foods that were harmonious to my A+ blood type. Still nothing. I wasn’t ovulating on my own and nothing was helping.  I made it through two fairly normal cycles – one that was 73 days and another that was 63 days (give or take).

Since then……I am now on day 107. One hundred and seven days of waking up at 4:30 each morning to take my temperature and hope there’s something there indicating a period, or ovulation, or something normal. Three times I’ve had the fertility website I use say I ovulated and then 16 to 18 days after their calculated point of ovulation there seems to be a change and I ‘no longer show an ovulation pattern’. Three times! My doctor says that I am in fact ovulating numerous times in the cycle, as I do have the pattern of it, but for some reason I just don’t bleed. Not exactly the healthiest thing in the world.

The advice I’m given? “We’ll keep trying and take a pregnancy test every two weeks because we’ll never know when you’re ‘late'”. Great. So what does that mean for my husband and I? It means no break from sex – constantly doing it ‘just in case’ and I get to spend a fortune buying pregnancy tests because I’ll never know when it’s happened. Not ideal.

It’s been two and a half months since I got a referral to a fertility clinic – so I guess if one doesn’t work the other will? Four months until our first consult. Here’s hoping.

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Sunday

I’m LDS. For those who might not know what that means – I’m a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints – or as most know us by, Mormon. I love being a member of this Church. Sure, our services are three hours and a bit longer than most, but really, you don’t even notice.

Each first Sunday of the month is Fast Sunday. This is where we fast for two meals (usually breakfast and lunch) and search deep for personal revelation. During Church, it’s also the time where we share our testimonies of our Heavenly Father, the Book of Mormon and anything else that we have been blessed with in our lives. Today, for the first time in four years, I shared my testimony. I talked about how blessed I am to have so many wonderful people in my life through the Church and how supported I am within the Church and certain members of my family. How my husband loves me no matter what I believe (because he’s not a member) and how I’ve finally accepted 100% that this is who I am no matter what people want to Judge about me, or even if it causes friendships relationships with my family to be lost.

I know that it’s the true Church. I know that Joseph Smith was a prophet called by God when he was 14 and I know that Heavenly Father loves me, Jesus knows every pain, hurt, happy thought or struggle that I have gone through, am going through or will go through. I am so blessed for everything I have been given – that I have a wonderful husband, a home of my own and the means to start a family. I know the Book of Mormon is true, that is is a true testament of Jesus Christ in latter days. I have a true faith and my heart dances with Joy every day that I am always reminded and of the power of God and that I am able to grow in my testimony each and every time as well. I leave these things in the name of Jesus Christ. Amen.

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