All of me

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God Works in Mysterious Ways

This summer my husband and I went through one of the hardest things of our lives – the ultimate infertility treatment – IVF ( in Vitro Fertilization). I want to share that journey. Not only to help people understand what we were doing, but to let those also going through it, or thinking about it, what it’s like and that they’re not alone. Our journey through infertility started the day we got married, June 10, 2006.  In February 2010 I finally requested a referral to the Fertility Clinic in Calgary and in September of that same year is when we started our journey to IVF.

I think my true IVF journey started in April of 2011. I’m constantly trying to improve my relationship with my Heavenly Father. And like any child, sometimes it takes me a long time to see the help I was given. And often I really don’t understand the magnitude of the blessings He lays upon me until much later. I have gained a true testimony of the Spirit today, by looking back in my journal and understanding little things He had put into place for me, and things he had prepared me for much earlier than I could ever have imagined.

For any member of the Church Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, there are two very important weekends during the year. The first weekend of April, and the first weekend of October. These are our Conference Weekends – where we spend our day listening to our Prophet and Apostles of the Church. Generally, there’s an ‘enlightenment’, if you will, where the messages our Heavenly Father would have us know and lessons He would have us learn are more forefront and easier to understand. I honestly, never really got that out of it – until what I read today.

During the April Conference, I was in the middle of waiting to see if our first fertility treatment had worked. We started with IUI (intra-uterine insemination) and were hoping that we would be one of the couples where first time was the lucky one. The night of the Saturday session I had a dream. I dreamed all the IUI’s we had tried failed and we had moved onto IVF. We were able to get 21 eggs during the retrieval in my dream but zero fertilized. I woke of devastated and wondered what in the world we were doing with these fertility treatments. Was this was God truly wanted Ryan and I to do? Was adoption the way to go instead?

I’ll give you a sneak peak into September when we did IVF and I”ll come back to it in later posts as well….we retrieved 24 eggs and zero fertilized…..

The Spirit has been with me and prepared me for things I never thought would happen. I can’t wait to share the rest of my journey and how my faith and the power of my Heavenly Father has helped my husband and I through everything we’ve gone through. Every day is a testiment to something in my life and I hope I can help bring the faith and strength to someone else going through this journey.

Stay tuned…

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Trust

Two days ago I ended up going to Emergency due to a potential blood clot in my leg. There was information my husband thought I should give the triage nurse right away and was a bit miffed that I only offered information when asked directly. “You’re not one to offer information, are you?” He asked me the day after as we drove to a family get-together. And what we discovered in talking about why I’m like that came down to basically one thing – my inability to trust people.

Anyone who really knows me knows that I don’t divulge information about myself willingly. Although, I think my husband knows the most about my life, not one person on this Earth knows 100% of me. I don’t trust people enough, plain and simple. I imagine this goes back to my inability to attach to people as well, a direct correlation to being adopted. And honestly, I’ve never been proven that if I were to admit something to someone around me, that I would continued to be accepted, that I would receive the care I needed. I’ve tried to tell people things, but I’m rarely taken seriously about anything. In high school, I would talk about my life and get disinterest, or disbelief that I could ever have those types of feelings. So I stopped talking.

Recently I tried being open and honest again and it resulted in bad feelings and a crumbled relationship that is just starting a foundation again. My thoughts that this relationship was secure enough was seemingly something I had mistakenly believed. I had finally started building my wall of trust and it crumbled easier than the relationship I had put it into. Why should I trust people when I’ve been shown over and over again that those people really won’t be there when I need them the most? So I hide within myself, waiting for someone to prove me wrong.

I wish people would keep trying. I wish those in my life would realize what a screwed-up mess I am and be patient with me and my emotional self. I will eventually put myself out there. But if I don’t get anything in return, I’ll stop. If I can’t say or be me without repercussion, my trust is lost. Just know that I’ll get there as long as you keep coming back and showing me that I’m worth something in your life. It may take longer than the majority of the population out there, but you just have to keep trying. I promise that once my trust has come back, and I’m comfortable enough to feel attached to you as part of my life, I will always be there whenever you need me. But you have to put yourself out there first and let me know it’s okay.

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