All of me

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Our Decision

on August 2, 2013

We’re trying again with the one little embryo we have left. I’ve been thinking about doing this pretty much from our last transfer in 2011. So at the beginning of the year, we started our last journey with our Fertility Clinic to give Connor a little brother or sister. Sometimes I’m envious of those couples who can just get pregnant on a whim and who get to enjoy trying. But then the planner in me is almost grateful for the chance to plan and lead up to it. The greatest thing in my last pregnancy was seeing it grow on a cellular level. Not a lot of people get to witness that and experience or appreciate the true journey of conception.

So we’re jumping in! What a journey this will be. We’ve decided this time around not to share the details of when this is going to happen. At least this way there will be some surprise for our family. And then I can wait until I’m ready to share the news. Last time I was pressured to tell everyone before I was ready and I don’t want to have to go through that again.

I still worry about what will happen if it doesn’t work. Especially because I know it’s only a matter of time before we are faced with a pregnancy within our family once again. Will everything blow up like it did 2.5 years ago? Will I go into a tailspin of darkness? Or will I manage to accept the outcome of my life and openly embrace what happens.

I’ve really struggled with the threat of a repeat of what happened in Dec 2010 – March 2011, that caused a crevice in my family; and me going off work for three months, barely able to get out of bed. So since January I’ve been preparing, waiting with baited breath anytime the talk of a potential pregnancy came up, and then my body relaxing when something was done to reassure me it wasn’t yet to be.

The amazing thing was that as time went on, I didn’t get as uptight about the pregnancy possibility. And in turn, I worried less about what might NOT happen with me to instead focus on the GREAT thing I already have. I can’t control the fact that some people get pregnant just by thinking about it. What I can control is how blessed I am being able to experience pregnancy, child-birth and motherhood at least once, which is still more than a lot of women out there.

I used to put a lot of faith in my Patriarchal Blessing as it mentioned children in my life (not just 1 – at least 2). However, Ryan has wisely reminded me our Patriarchal Blessings are not only in this lifetime, but through eternity as well. So I am placing less focus on that it will happen right now and instead placing more trust in Heavenly Father. I believe He will find a way for us to have more children if that is in our future. But to do that, I need to live in the moment and appreciate what I have already been blessed with, while remembering that this great gift that I have been given is a sacred privilege, not a right.

So when I hit a roadblock in April that caused my plans for an embryo transferred to be delayed by 8 weeks or so, I was able to bounce back quickly and stay relatively positive (other than the one breakdown after I had to cancel my ultrasound and was told it couldn’t be re-booked and I’d have to wait until my next cycle. Although, it might have also been because my grandmother had just died and we were dealing with funeral arrangements and hospital headaches). I felt like this just meant it wasn’t quite time yet, but when the time was right, the door would be opened for me.

I am always surprised by how easily this journey has been compared to the first time. The fact that I have such a great little boy at home doesn’t hurt! He has healed so much in my life already, I just don’t know what I would do without him and I hope as he gets older I can continue to let him know what a blessing he is to me. He is everything I could have ever wanted and if this new journey allows for a larger family ~ then that’s just gravy ❤


One response to “Our Decision

  1. Becca says:

    Love this entry. 🙂 *hugs*

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