All of me

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The ‘L’ Word

on August 12, 2013

I’m talking about Love. Not just feeling it, but saying it and letting those around you know how you feel. That’s something I have a very hard time with. Call it my upbringing or my stemming attachment issues, but I just don’t really say it. Out loud, I’ve said it to a handful of people. I hope those people know that for me to say it, I am breaking a very thick wall deep in myself.

Of course there are those where the words flow easily. My husband, for example, and my son (although it always feels strange to say it out loud in front of other people, and it’s also odd to hear other people say those words to my son – again, attachment issues). Just recently I found my mom has been saying it far more often to me, and I’m surprised to find how easily I can reciprocate the sentiment.

I mentioned in another post how having my child has healed in my ways I never thought was possible. One of those ways was my love for other people. He makes it so much easier to open up my heart. He reinforces that there are people out there who love unconditionally and I shouldn’t be afraid to put my trust and love in them. He helps me say I Love You more often, so that it’s easier to say it to more people without that strange awkwardness.

I still have those drawbacks, but the more I’m with my son, the easier it feels to break the chains I’ve held in my heart for so long now. I’ve always wanted love and attention, I’ve longed for people to hold me and hug me and just have that contact, but the dis-attachment inside never allowed me to trust those people. To not show how I felt because I was always so afraid they’d leave me too. Connor’s has helped me work through that. I just hope I can give him what he’s given me. Love.

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