All of me

Just another weblog


In the last five years, and even more so these last few months I find myself asking ‘why’. Why must I have such a disease to make it almost impossible to have children. Why can’t my life be easy once in a while. Why must I sacrifice almost everything I own to be able to have a chance at something that is free for so many other people out there. Why can’t I just say “I want a baby’ and it happens? Why must I have a birth defect that makes my already challenging time to get pregnant even more challenging. Why must my heart break everytime there’s news of a pregnancy. Why do I have to fight these feelings of jealousy I have so often for people I should easily be happy for. Why. Why. Why.

Today I think I got my answer. Sitting in Church, reflecting on the why’s, the answer came. I have to be this way, not for me, but for those in my life. I think, mainly my husband and my future children. Throughout the day, the reasons became so much clearer. My husband and I going through this, was a major part in his conversion to my faith. Because of that conversion, we will be able to be sealed for eternity in the Temple which was something I had dreamed about after my own conversion. Chances are, if we had become pregnant right away, he would still be a non-member and I would be the one taking the kids to church and trying to explain why daddy doesn’t come. Now I don’t have to worry about that. I know the children coming into my home will be brought up with a united front of the standards both my husband and I now hold.

Also, by going through this first, we are showing our obedience to our Heavenly Father, letting him know the steps we are willing to take to have the great responsibility of being a parent. I think there’s a reason why our children are coming a little later – the trials we go through now will shape how we raise our children, and how we love them. All parents love their children deeply, but I know my husband and I are going to cherish every second that much more because of the struggles we went through to get there.

I must admit, when I realized my trial for the greater good of my family I was a little ungrateful. Couldn’t Heavenly Father have chosen a different way for this to have happened? So there must be one more answer I need to wait to receive. It will come. It’s only taken me five years to get this little part of it – five more years isn’t going to hurt. Every day my faith is tested. As much as I’m sometimes resentful of the fact that I have to sell almost all of my possessions to be able to pay for IVF, I know nothing I own is going to be worth more than being able to hold my child in my arms.

Although I’m not always fond of the trials I must face, I am incredibly blessed to have a husband in this with me 100% and a multitude of family members and friends that would help us in almost any way we ask (I mean, you can’t really ask for $10,000). Sometimes I wish we were given a bit more patience, charity or compassion, but that just goes with the journey. You can’t expect 100% of the people in your lives to support 100% of your decisions 100% of the time.

The next step in our infertility journey is coming at the end of June, at our followup appointment where we discuss the failures of our two IUI attempts and the possibility of starting our IVF journey. As scary as it is, and as much as I really don’t feel like going for daily ultrasounds and numerous pokes of a needle, I, like many other women/couples going through this, will do everything I possibly can for my children. Just because they’re not on the Earth yet doesn’t mean I don’t love them any less.

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