All of me

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Irrational Fear?

In the last few weeks or so I’ve really been thinking about what our baby is going to look like. And quite frankly, it’s making me nervous! I’m afraid that this baby will have all the ugly parts of both my husband and I (even though in IVF they only make sure the cute genes get through, right?) and I keep imagining a baby resembling one of those cats whose face has seemed to be pushed in.  

Plus, I have absolutely no reference to what I looked like as a newborn. My earliest picture is at 3 weeks or so and I know I was cute then…and I know my husband was a cute baby too so does that mean we’re okay?  Who’s eyes will he have? Will he get my family’s nose or my husband’s? I suppose most couples would think of these things with excited anticipation, but for some reason I’m dreading it.

I suppose part of it stems from never seeing anyone I resemble in my life. Nothing has ever looked like me before (until I was 19 and met my biological family for the first time). Perhaps I’m actually more comfortable with the fact that babies are just babies without comparing similarities within the family as that was the norm for me.  And there’s always the small doubt in the back of my mind, that because we conceived through IVF that they mixed something up and the baby will look nothing like either of us! 

In the end, it really won’t matter if we have the ugliest baby in the world, if it doesn’t look like me or if he’s the spitting image of me, the fact is every day I’m reminded that my prayer was answered after five long years and that I’m having a baby. He will be ours through and through and he will be loved.

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All By Myself

As I prepare for the birth of my son, I find that I’m struggling with the acceptance of attachment and the bond that everyone says I already have with him. I don’t really know what that feels like. I’m still in denial that in a few short months there will be a little person in my life that grew in my womb. The one thing that worries me the most is that he won’t feel like he’s actually mine ad that I won’t feel attached to him. Because of that, I’ve tried to do everything I possibly can to bond. I bought a private ultrasound package so that we could see him an extra four times. We found out the sex so that I could have more of a feeling of what was coming into my life – that he could have a name early on (which isn’t entirely working as planned) and that we could plan for a little boy – so things could be more concrete for us – for me.

Infertility wrecks you. There’s no way around that. But aside from that damage, I must also look at my adoption ‘scars’. To understand who I truly am, how my actions portray me and help uncover the feelings of inadequacy that I may have and conquer those feelings before my child is brought into this world. I want my child to know I love him, I want to be able to openly portray that love to him and under no uncertain terms do I want my past to negatively impact how my child grows and learns to love himself and those around him. I still feel like the work I am doing doesn’t seem to be good enough for certain people in my life, but slowly, I’m learning to accept that my actions won’t be accepted or understood by everyone and I just have to know that I’m doing the best I can. I’m done trying to please everyone else and I’ve decided these past few months that I’m doing things for me and my family (my husband and my child). If I can’t meet the expectations of others, they’re just going to have to deal with it and accept that I can only do so much with my limitations – and that I’m slowly trying to lessen those limitations that have been set before me.

On dealing with being okay with ‘me’, I made a realization. I used to get upset that no one came to my house to visit, but expected my husband and I to always to do the traveling. However, those same people that I felt didn’t come to our house very often would go to others much more.  That bugged me – as I felt I was an equal to that other person, but it seemed that we weren’t important to them. That was it! Deep down, I could care less if people came to my house. I love being at home with just me, my animals and my husband. If you gave me the choice, I would choose being home almost 100% – hands down. I didn’t care that people weren’t coming to my house, it was the message that I portrayed from the lack of visits. I felt like less of a person – that I was loved less because the time wasn’t being taken to visit. I understand that’s not the case – it was me projecting my inadequate feeling on others when it wasn’t the case at all. And now, it doesn’t bother me. I do what I can for my family and how they reciprocate is completely up to them. It doesn’t have to mean an equal number of visits at each others house. Everyone has different needs – maybe someone actually needs those extra visits. I’m perfectly find with the unspoken understanding that we are here – whether as friends or family – and that strength of love doesn’t need to be quantified with how many presents I get, the cost of said presents or the number of household visits. Since I’ve figured that out, I’ve felt so much less angst and it feels so good! I just hope as the next few months go by, I can continue to work on who I am so I can be such a better mother.

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