All of me

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25 Things ~ 1-5

on August 10, 2012

Way back when on Facebook, there was a tagging game where you list 25 things about yourself. I thought I would revisit this as so many things have changed since last. And then here, I also have a change to give some explanation and back-ground. I find if I put it out there, not only do people ‘get’ me better, but I just understand myself better, you know? So here we go (in no particular order):

1. I am adopted.

In 1984, a very brave, very young girl made one of the biggest sacrifices of her life. No one will ever know the great burden she carried during that time or how it affected her as she grew up, but I can say that I am grateful for whatever she did. I came at the perfect time to be given to a pretty good home where I was able to grow up and enjoy the little luxuries I would never have had if things had gone the other way. I think all things come at a price, though – for all involved. For me, I suffer from attachment issues and have a really hard time establishing relationships and building on them so that they last. Mostly because I have huge trust issues and most people don’t understand why I act the way I do.

For the last seven years I have been working on establishing a relationship with my biological mother’s family and slowly, but surely, I think we’re getting to a really great spot in our lives together. And in the last five years I’ve been doing the same with my biological father, albeit the journey with him has taken a bit more time. I feel truly blessed that along with the decision of giving me to a loving home, my bio mom also chose to stay findable so if and when I was ready, I could start building that bridge.

I have never felt anger or hurt for what my biological mom did. I never felt like she gave me up maliciously. It always made perfect sense in my mind that a 13 year old girl would do something like that instead of raising me. Children shouldn’t raise children. And she once said – “you were never meant to be mine completely. I knew you were meant to be with another family that would love you. I was just that vessel to bring you here.” And how grateful I am.

2. I have an attachment disorder.

It’s a proven fact that all adopted children will have some form of an attachment disorder. How it presents itself and to what severity is as individual as the person. When I got married, my husband would say that I had some sort of attachment issue because I was adopted. I constantly disagreed with him. It wasn’t until two years ago, however, that I finally admitted to it, and began trying to understand it, how it affected my relationships and what I could do to improve myself. I’m sure 95 percent of the people in my life don’t understand this important part of me at all. Even if they say they do. That’s fine, I don’t always understand it either. All I ask is for patience if I don’t seem to act like I should in certain relationship dynamics.

With my attachment, I have huge trust issues. It takes a long time for me to feel 100% comfortable with someone and to trust them in everything. The problem is, when I feel that trust, I attach to them 1000% and then the second I’m disappointed with something they do, or don’t feel like they care enough, the wall comes up again only sometimes it feels like it then takes twice as long for that trust to be rebuilt.  Because of this, I have lost friendships. That makes me very sad, but I’m sure in some cases it’s much to late to do anything about it, and it others that I’ve tried to rebuilt, because they don’t understand me, my efforts have gone seemingly unnoticed, or they’ve been minimized to ‘not enough’.

For example, I never make the first move in friendships or anything. I need to know that it’s safe for me first through the other person’s actions. Once I’m in, I’m in for the long haul and I think I’m a pretty decent friend who’ll be there at any time I’m needed. But I guess I need to be shown you’re worth it first. I know that sounds awful, and is probably why I don’t have a lot of friends in my life. Also, if I’ve taken a step to invite you to do something or talk, it may seem like the smallest thing to you, but for me it is stepping 100 feet out of my comfort zone. And if at anytime I feel like I’m not worth your time, that you’ve shrugged me off for whatever reason, I’ll stop.

3. I’m a mother.

This is the newest thing in my life. It was one of the hardest journeys I’ve had to go through, but also the most rewarding. It was actually a year ago this month (the 7th) that Ryan and I started our in vitro path. I live for my baby boy. Heavenly Father blessed this family with the greatest miracle I have ever witnessed in my life so far and my heart as never been fuller. Connor is almost 3 months now and he just amazes me at how he grows and what he learns to do every single day. I desperately hope we will be blessed with more children, but if that’s not God’s plan for us, I can confidently say I would never feel like anything is ever missing with just him.

4. I am an infertile.

You would think this wouldn’t mean anything now, would you? There’s a saying – ‘once an infertile, always an infertile’. Why is that, you ask? Having a baby doesn’t mean I’m fertile. It meant that I sacrificed a great deal of privacy, time and money to get what I have today. And if I want to do it again, I’ll still have to commit time, privacy and money.  It still means sometimes I have to work really hard to be genuinely happy for someone who gets to plan when, and never have to worry about that. It means I still occasionally get jealous of those people, even when I have a living, breathing miracle sleeping in the next room. Those feelings are never going to go away. I won’t get to choose how many children we’ll have or how big our family will be unless I’m willing to go tens to hundreds of thousands dollars in debt. I’ve had to face reality that my once dream of having five kids is not the reality. I’ve had to face the reality that the one I have may be all I get.

5. I pick at things.

Here’s a little bit lighter subject. And a little gross and embarrassing, I must admit. Labels, scabs, zits…if it can be picked and prodded, I’ll do it. I’ll even go as far as doing it to other people – namely, my husband. It’s pathetic, really. I’m beginning to think I need professional help to deal with this one. 🙂

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One response to “25 Things ~ 1-5

  1. Carrie says:

    I completely relate and understand the trust issues things, I have similar issues. A little different and for different reasons but definitely similar. I am also infertile, it’s not difficult for me to be genuinely happy for those who don’t share the problem but it IS difficult for me to not feel that heavy hurt in my heart whenever I see a woman with her infant…. Number three or four. It feels somehow like she’s greedy or something, irrational I know but there it is. I guess back to the trust issue, it’s not so much attachment issues I have as abandonment issues. And finally onto the picking, yeah I totally get this too. I pick things that are pick able too. It’s almost therapeutic somehow.

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