All of me

Just another weblog

The Journey of 1

on April 30, 2014

In August of 2013 we started our journey to expand our family. We had one embryo left. I thought this was it. It was perfect timing to have another baby and our children would be exactly two years apart – exactly what I wanted. Plus we only had the one left so I thought it was a sign – our second child to make our family complete. The timing of the appointments were also falling into place in that I didn’t have to take any additional time off work.

I was so excited all the way there on the day of the transfer. I was going to be pregnant again. I reveled in the fact I could be pregnant with my sister-in-law and our children would be the same age. I excitedly planned all the play dates we could have in my mind because we would have the majority of our mat leave off together.

I anxiously tested, waiting for that second pink line I had been dreaming about. But as each day went by, the line didn’t show up. I was speechless. I knew I would have at least one more child and this was supposed to be that chance, especially because the chances of getting pregnant on my own was virtually zero and we planned on doing only one round of IVF.

In my mind, this was our last and only chance.

On September 5th, our last chance was over. I took my last test that confirmed we were done. Connor wasn’t going to be a big brother. I would never experience pregnancy again. I would never have a newborn in my home to snuggle all hours of the day.

I felt myself slowly slipping into a dark hole that was much too familiar. It was the same hole I found myself in 3 years earlier. I heard myself scream ‘NO!’ inside my head.

And then as clearly as if someone were standing beside me, I heard a voice. The voice told me to go the Temple. I listened and went.

As I was sitting in the Celestial Room, this calm went over me. I knew He had a plan for me. If it was meant to happen, it would happen by His hand and in His time. The darkness filled with light and I had a positivity and surety of this little girl I knew was meant to join our family.

I re-read my patriarchal blessing and now I wait, with faith, for my little girl to join us. Connor will be a big brother, I’m sure of it. Whether it will be in the next year, or in the next 10, that I do not know. Whenever He is ready for our family to grow, it will grow.


One response to “The Journey of 1

  1. Carrie says:

    beautiful Jennifer. ((hugs)) thank you so much for sharing your faith. and your testimony of the temple. 🙂

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