25 Things ~ 6-10

6. I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints

On September 4, 2004 I was baptized and joined the LDS Church. It has been the hardest decision I’ve had to make so far, but certainly the most fulfilling for me, personally. In deciding to join this church, I lost some very good friends and for a while lost my family as well. Instead of trying to understand me and accept and love me despite my decision to join an unknown world, I had people try and convince me not to do it, and to turn their back on me. My family tolerates my lifestyle choices and changes now, but I never got those friends back. Being LDS is not an easy thing to do in this world. But I can proudly say that I belong to this Church and can honestly say I have been truly blessed by it.

7. Family is #1.

I will do anything and everything for my family. They are the most important things to me. As I mentioned in my first 25 things blog post I reconnected with my biological family about 7 years ago and that has meant so much to me. For me, my main family is Ryan, Connor and I and then extends to my parents, grandparents and siblings. Although I cherish the time spent with my cousins when I was younger, I find it hard to commit 100% to them as they grow as a family in their own way as well. I still appreciate the time I get with them, but to be honest my main focus is building the relationships with those closest to me. With my family in all corners of the province there have been some challenges, but I hope they recognize they are in the forefront of my mind and heart. And to my cousins and their children – I wish I had the time and energy to stay in touch and connect more, but you are also in my thoughts as well. (And for this reason I love what Facebook has allowed us to do in terms of connecting :))

8. I can play piano.

I started piano lessons when I was 7 and managed to get to Grade 10 by the time I finished high school. I miss my time at my piano and am trying to play more often. I was playing at least one song a day, but now since having Connor my piano has been neglected. I always thought I would be a piano teacher and it’s still something I consider time and again and I have a goal to get my certification in piano. When that will happen, I’m not sure, but someday.

9. I’m a know-it-all.

I know things. Random facts I’ve learned through the years. I was a part of the trivia team in high school and I love games like I Don’t Know Jack and Trivial Pursuit. The thing is……if I know something, you need to know it too. Especially if you’re wrong. It’s a horrible trait and leads to a few arguments with Ryan. But it comes down to this: I must be right. And I am 90% of the time.

10. I went to school for 5 years and have nothing to show for it.

That’s right. I was two months away from graduating with two degrees and I backed out. Call it a bad situation, call it the system failure, but I call it a blessing. I went to University young and unaware of who I actually was. I started a program out of the fact I would have a job, not out of passion or a calling to what I wanted to do with my life. I felt like it was unacceptable to leave high school and not do anything else – that I would be regarded as some lower-level being. Especially since I was an honor student. I had potential and I needed to do something with it, right?  No. I should have explored myself as a human being more to know what I really wanted to do with my life. I don’t regret the things I learned, though and it helped me understand my brother better and I was just able to grow up in a safer environment, I think. And I’ve figured out what I want – it’s what I’ve always wanted but never thought it would be viewed as an acceptable ‘career’. But I’m a mother and that’s all I’ve ever wanted to be. That should be enough.

25 Things ~ 1-5

Way back when on Facebook, there was a tagging game where you list 25 things about yourself. I thought I would revisit this as so many things have changed since last. And then here, I also have a change to give some explanation and back-ground. I find if I put it out there, not only do people ‘get’ me better, but I just understand myself better, you know? So here we go (in no particular order):

1. I am adopted.

In 1984, a very brave, very young girl made one of the biggest sacrifices of her life. No one will ever know the great burden she carried during that time or how it affected her as she grew up, but I can say that I am grateful for whatever she did. I came at the perfect time to be given to a pretty good home where I was able to grow up and enjoy the little luxuries I would never have had if things had gone the other way. I think all things come at a price, though – for all involved. For me, I suffer from attachment issues and have a really hard time establishing relationships and building on them so that they last. Mostly because I have huge trust issues and most people don’t understand why I act the way I do.

For the last seven years I have been working on establishing a relationship with my biological mother’s family and slowly, but surely, I think we’re getting to a really great spot in our lives together. And in the last five years I’ve been doing the same with my biological father, albeit the journey with him has taken a bit more time. I feel truly blessed that along with the decision of giving me to a loving home, my bio mom also chose to stay findable so if and when I was ready, I could start building that bridge.

I have never felt anger or hurt for what my biological mom did. I never felt like she gave me up maliciously. It always made perfect sense in my mind that a 13 year old girl would do something like that instead of raising me. Children shouldn’t raise children. And she once said – “you were never meant to be mine completely. I knew you were meant to be with another family that would love you. I was just that vessel to bring you here.” And how grateful I am.

2. I have an attachment disorder.

It’s a proven fact that all adopted children will have some form of an attachment disorder. How it presents itself and to what severity is as individual as the person. When I got married, my husband would say that I had some sort of attachment issue because I was adopted. I constantly disagreed with him. It wasn’t until two years ago, however, that I finally admitted to it, and began trying to understand it, how it affected my relationships and what I could do to improve myself. I’m sure 95 percent of the people in my life don’t understand this important part of me at all. Even if they say they do. That’s fine, I don’t always understand it either. All I ask is for patience if I don’t seem to act like I should in certain relationship dynamics.

With my attachment, I have huge trust issues. It takes a long time for me to feel 100% comfortable with someone and to trust them in everything. The problem is, when I feel that trust, I attach to them 1000% and then the second I’m disappointed with something they do, or don’t feel like they care enough, the wall comes up again only sometimes it feels like it then takes twice as long for that trust to be rebuilt.  Because of this, I have lost friendships. That makes me very sad, but I’m sure in some cases it’s much to late to do anything about it, and it others that I’ve tried to rebuilt, because they don’t understand me, my efforts have gone seemingly unnoticed, or they’ve been minimized to ‘not enough’.

For example, I never make the first move in friendships or anything. I need to know that it’s safe for me first through the other person’s actions. Once I’m in, I’m in for the long haul and I think I’m a pretty decent friend who’ll be there at any time I’m needed. But I guess I need to be shown you’re worth it first. I know that sounds awful, and is probably why I don’t have a lot of friends in my life. Also, if I’ve taken a step to invite you to do something or talk, it may seem like the smallest thing to you, but for me it is stepping 100 feet out of my comfort zone. And if at anytime I feel like I’m not worth your time, that you’ve shrugged me off for whatever reason, I’ll stop.

3. I’m a mother.

This is the newest thing in my life. It was one of the hardest journeys I’ve had to go through, but also the most rewarding. It was actually a year ago this month (the 7th) that Ryan and I started our in vitro path. I live for my baby boy. Heavenly Father blessed this family with the greatest miracle I have ever witnessed in my life so far and my heart as never been fuller. Connor is almost 3 months now and he just amazes me at how he grows and what he learns to do every single day. I desperately hope we will be blessed with more children, but if that’s not God’s plan for us, I can confidently say I would never feel like anything is ever missing with just him.

4. I am an infertile.

You would think this wouldn’t mean anything now, would you? There’s a saying – ‘once an infertile, always an infertile’. Why is that, you ask? Having a baby doesn’t mean I’m fertile. It meant that I sacrificed a great deal of privacy, time and money to get what I have today. And if I want to do it again, I’ll still have to commit time, privacy and money.  It still means sometimes I have to work really hard to be genuinely happy for someone who gets to plan when, and never have to worry about that. It means I still occasionally get jealous of those people, even when I have a living, breathing miracle sleeping in the next room. Those feelings are never going to go away. I won’t get to choose how many children we’ll have or how big our family will be unless I’m willing to go tens to hundreds of thousands dollars in debt. I’ve had to face reality that my once dream of having five kids is not the reality. I’ve had to face the reality that the one I have may be all I get.

5. I pick at things.

Here’s a little bit lighter subject. And a little gross and embarrassing, I must admit. Labels, scabs, zits…if it can be picked and prodded, I’ll do it. I’ll even go as far as doing it to other people – namely, my husband. It’s pathetic, really. I’m beginning to think I need professional help to deal with this one. 🙂

He’s Here! Pt. 2

So we left off with a blissful sleep (kind of), hoping it would help the labour progress and then the doctor would check me again in the morning at about 7:30 before he went into the clinic for work. I remember checking the time everytime a contraction hit to see how long they were lasting. But as 7:30 approached I started getting depressed because the contractions seems to be easing up and were actually longer apart. I figured the drug didn’t work…again….and I would be forced to have a c-section.

Imagine my surprise when he came in and I was 6 centimeters! Wahoo! In six hours I had dilated six centimeters! Drugs work! I finally got to move into a delivery suite. I was so happy to think this was it. The nurse asked if I wanted an epidural and I immediately said yes. If the morphine helped me progress this far, imagine how much an epidural would help me! So I waddled my way into Labour Suite 4 with a new-found energy. I kept feeling that I really had to pee, though, so I went into the bathroom. Big mistake. As soon as I sat down I felt like I had to push. I was very open with my nurse and told her how I felt. She yelled at me to get back into bed and that I wasn’t allowed back in that bathroom. She checked me at I was 7 cm by then.

The anesthesiologist still hadn’t come in and the contractions were brutal. It was so hard not to push with every contraction that came. I alternated sipping Powerade and water after every contraction and intensely focused on my breathing. Ryan paced in and out of the room – I really could have cared less if he was there or not as no one was really much help for me as I went quite inward and focused on breathing more than anything. I wanted to stay as calm and peaceful as possible so really made no sounds at all.

Finally a little after 11 the anesthesiologist came in and got my epi in. It was hard as I felt like my contractions were coming a lot and he always waited until I was finished before proceeding with anything. I remember crossing my legs during the contractions to make sure I wouldn’t push. But when my epidural was in I remember a wave coming over me. The pushing sensation was dulled and I could get through things. I could manage the pain, but I found trying not to push to be the hardest thing out of everything.

I still really had to pee, though. We tried a bedpan….nothing. And labour wasn’t progressing either. I stayed at 7 cm for at least three hours. The nurse suggested a catheter and I agreed. My bladder was emptied and then within 5 minutes of that I was at 9 cm. By one o’clock I was 9.5 cm with just a little flap in the way. We tried a practise push to see how it would go. Apparently, it went well and the doctor was called in. When  he got in, the flap got moved out of the way and the pushing started. By 3 contractions baby’s head was out. But there was slight problem and the shoulders were stuck. Frantically, more nurses were called in to help, I was moved to a laying position instead of sitting and the OB on call was paged. There were two nurses on each leg and the doctor on my hips trying to get the baby out. They just kept telling me to push even when there was no contraction to help me. I remember crying that I couldn’t, but I kept doing it anyway. Two harrowing minutes later, my baby boy was whisked to the examining table with the NICU nurses checking him out. They had the manual breathing apparatus on him and everything was silent. Finally he started crying and I was so relieved. I watched, helplessly as they suctioned him and made sure everything was okay.

Nothing was wrong, thank heavens, and he got to be with his daddy as I got stitched up. at 2:06 pm, May 25, my 9 lbs 1 oz and 21 3/4 inch miracle I had been waiting so patiently for arrived and my heart has never been more full with love. I feel truly blessed.

He’s Here! Pt. 1 ~ Pre-labour

This post should have been written long ago, but things just get in the way I guess. I can’t believe my pregnancy is over and my baby boy is here! As well, I can’t believe it’s been so long since last posted. I didn’t document this last year as well as I had hoped. Oh well. I can’t just sit and watch the result of all that hard work every day now.

Anyway, my baby boy is here and just so there’s somewhere it’s been documented….Connor’s birth story:

It started May 15 at the doctor’s office. I was measuring a bit big (46 weeks at 38) so I was sent for some testing and an additional ultrasound just to make sure everything was okay. My ultrasound was set for that coming Thursday, May 17. We got into the office and the tech was joking around with us and was just starting to look at the baby. He was very straightforward and let us know that there was a lack of amniotic fluid in the womb and he needed to get another tech in just to make sure he was seeing things correctly. The second tech came in and confirmed that, yes, there was not a lot of fluid. We were informed that my doctor would be called and we would receive further instruction at the time. Only…my doctor had just left for vacation. We were sent home and told to call and make an appointment with the on-call doctor right away.

So that’s what we did. We met with another Doctor on Friday and he consulted with an OB at the hospital and said the levels weren’t dangerously low, so they wouldn’t do anything right now and wait for my regular doctor to come back before going any further. I also had a non-stress test booked for Sunday and if that showed anything to be concerned about then of course they would move a lot earlier, but we were told not to worry.

Sunday came and baby scored a perfect 10 at the biophysical and non-stress test. They talked to my doctor and decided to put me on the induction list for the 22. This was the Tuesday after the long weekend, though, so there were many women on the list. But we were penciled in and told to prepare ourselves. I have to be honest in that both my husband and I were feeling a bit panicked. There’s something to be said about knowing the potential day of birth of your little one and a huge swelling of unpreparedness just seems to wash over you.

We spent the next day and a half making plans for our dog, and my husband frantically tried to find people to take over his shifts at work. However, on Tuesday morning as we were getting ready to head to the hospital, the phone rang and our induction was cancelled. I had a standing appointment with my doctor for the next day, so was told to meet with him and we would go from there.

On Wednesday, May 23 I went to my doctor’s appointment and we finally got to talk directly about the last week’s happenings. He had finally be able to look over everything and said although fluids for baby were a bit low, it wasn’t concerning and they would probably just wait until my due date before inducing me – but wouldn’t let me go any longer. We scheduled another non-stress test for Friday. I distinctly remember him stating that of course they would much rather have me go into labour early on my own and then looked at me and asked, “feel like anything’s happening yet?”. I laughed and said, “I don’t feel close at all!”

That night however, as Ryan (my husband) and I were going to bed, he told me to roll over and I felt a small escape of fluid. I didn’t know if what I felt was real or not so I just laid there, my hear pounding. I rolled over again and the same thing happened. I kept getting up to go to the bathroom and I remember feeling mildly crampy every 20 mintues or so so finally at about 1 in the morning I got Ryan up and said that I thought we should go to the hospital.

We got into Labour and Delivery and I told the nurses what was going on. They tested and sure enough, those little leaks I felt were quite real and most definitely amniotic fluid. They checked my cervix to see if I was dilated, but I was only at maybe half a centimeter. Arg! So I was sent home and told to come back in the morning to be induced.

Morning came very quickly and we were back at the hospital. My doctor was a little late getting in so Ryan and I chilled in the induction room. I was admitted into the hospital and had the cervidil inserted. There were absolutely no signs from my body for natural labour (my cervix was still very hard and completely closed by morning), so we were warned it could take a while.Contractions started coming and many trips around the hospital was made.

Remember the Friends episode where Rachel had her baby? I felt like that. Hour after hour dragged by with no changes. I watched women come in and then go and have their babies. There was one that came in not even sure she was in labour, but having cramps and wanted to check it out. I heard a nurse say, “Yep, 4 centimeters, get her into a delivery suite!” while I was still on a hard stretcher waiting my turn.

Cervidil lasts 12 hours and so with nothing happening yet and 12 hours coming (plus my water had started leaking almost 24 hours prior and I needed antibiotics), the doctor came back to see how I was doing. Imagine my frustration when after all that time I was only at 1 centimeter! ONE!! So I got more cervidil. Only this time, it hurt a lot more. Contractions were coming every three minutes, I was exhausted, and annoyed that everyone else got to have their baby but me. I was ready for a c-section. I wanted him out any way I could. One of the nurses offered some morphine to help with the pain of the contractions and allow me to get some sleep. At the beginning I had always said I would try for a drug-free birth, but this was ridiculous. I agreed, hoping I could get at least some rest. I have to say, it felt so nice and I was able to catch a few zz’s in between contractions at least. Ryan and I set up in the induction room, waiting for the doctor again the next morning to check on progress

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

My last belly picture taken Thursday morning. May 24, 2012