It’s Hard

There are so many things I want to write. There are so many things running through my brain and so many things I want to get out, but every time I try….I can’t. It’s hard. This isn’t just my story. This affects so many other people. These aren’t just my struggles anymore. I have realized more than ever how my life is so intertwined with all those around me and how one small word can do so much.

Things have happened in the past year – things were starting to unfold themselves over the last few years. Do I give my side? Do I let it slide? Do I give up and not care about the fall-out.

I do care. I will always care. That’s what makes it so hard.

Hello again, old friend

It’s been a long time. But I think I’m ready to get back at it. I have a lot of stories to tell…This last year has been an amazingly hard, but I’m coming out on top. New lessons, new heartaches, and new beginnings are here and I’m ready to let them out and let the world in again.

Through my Eyes

When my sister-in-law first got pregnant, everyone was so excited – especially her parents. This baby would be the first grandchild and they couldn’t wait to welcome this little bundle of miracles in the coming year. I tried to be as excited as I could. But all I could think of was, “it should be me”. I was the one who had been trying unsuccessfully for five years to bring my own miracle into this world. We were the older of the two, it should have followed the same birth-order, right? It didn’t.

Our little miracle of a nephew came into this world with great anticipation. The new grandma and grandpa couldn’t be happier. You had to pry baby from grandpa’s arms to have any decent time with them and they always seemed to be with their bundle of joy that their daughter and son-in-law produced. Proud grandparents – as they should be.

Finally, it was my turn. How ecstatic was I that we would finally bring our own miracle into the family and how I anticipated the great things having grandparents close by would bring. I saw what they did for my nephew, and looked forward to beaming with joy as my son got to partake in the same kind of memories. That didn’t happen.

Instead, I watched as my son’s grandpa would barely hold him – how you practically had to just throw him into his arms and walk away just so that he would pay any attention to him. And if my nephew happened to be there at the same time, my son was all but forgotten. Attention was turned to my nephew every time. And we would sit there, invisible. Toys and trucks that were given to my nephew to play with at grandma and grandpa’s house or the trailer were kindly handed down, but no new treasures were given with that special love that I saw the year before.

I thought it would be different. I thought – this is it! We are expanding the family name by having a son! We are finally getting that miracle we waited so long for and he will be so precious and I’ll get to see those great things with my own child that I watched happened as my nephew grew up. I thought the son of a son of a son would mean something.

Tonight, my heart broke into a thousand pieces as my son and his cousin played with each other and grandpa entered the room. Instantly, the attention was once again on my nephew, with a big hug from grandpa and immediate playing in the living room. Not even a hello to his other grandson. No acknowledgement. And I watched as my son watched the interaction on a toy, quiet and unsure.

My mind went back to this last Thanksgiving where my son was playing around the trailer and we got this statement, “don’t expect me to be chasing after your son”. But then as soon as the first-born came, Papa was right there following him around as my own child watched on.

Of all the families I know, I thought the one I married into would be the last on the list to treat their family this way. Especially after experiencing the same thing with their own children when they were young.

Soon, a new member of the family will be joining us, and I’m scared. I’m scared that this will happen a second time over – and that as my son grows up, he starts to understand what this means. I’m afraid he’ll get even more left behind, and I’ll have to watch his heart get broken as he tries to understand why he doesn’t seem as important as his cousins. I hope I’m wrong.

New Year, New Goals

Like most everyone else, a new year can mean the ability to start fresh. Make some goals to be better. This year, I didn’t want to try for anything too big. Instead, I’ve compiled some small goals that I can make consistent and build on in the years to come. I’m sharing them in the hope that I’ll be held a bit more accountable, and by writing them down, I feel it makes them more permanent and something I can go back to throughout the year to determine if I’m continuing down the right path.

1. Read the Book of Mormon every day I’m  learning that I can’t be an all or nothing kind of person with this goal. So I’m hoping, even if I can only read one or two verses some nights, the act of opening up my scriptures every day will help me build a relationship with my Heavenly Father, will increase my faith and will invite the Spirit to reside with me and in my house more often.

2. Get to my goal weight by the end of the year This is my end goal although I’ve set smaller goals along the way. First, I’m learning to take it a bit at a time, so I’m really only focusing on 10 pound goals. The larger goal for that, is to be 180 pounds by my birthday so I can rock it in Vegas. The third goal is to be at my ideal weight before or by the end of the year. It’s going to be a struggle, it’s going to take time, but something feels different this time, and I can see this. I know this is the right time for me and this time it will work.

3. Make an effort to visit family once a week I think too often we take our family for granted. The large family functions are a convenient way to say hello and forget about the rest of the year. So this year, I’m not going to take my family for granted. I am making the commitment to visit someone – whether it’s my brother, mom, dad, sister, aunt or uncle – once a week. I need to start letting people in, and I think this will help.

4. Have consistent date nights Ask yourself a question – when was the last time you got to go out with your significant other without the kids? Or if you don’t have children, when was the last time you went out as a special occasion – a date? Ryan and I got to go out a handful of times, but it wasn’t enough. Some days, I ache from missing him, because we just don’t take the time out for ourselves and our relationship because our child usually comes first. This year will be different. Once a month, we will go out. Whether it’s supper or a movie or both, we will work on connecting again.

5. Go to the Temple once a month I first went through the Temple exactly one year ago. Since then, I’ve went one other time. And I live less than an hour away from the Temple. I need to go more. I know what a difference going to the Temple has made and the blessings that come forth. I need to take advantage of that. So I will.

6. Start family home evening I’ve made too many excuses as to why we don’t do FHE in our household and it’s time to stop. Every Monday, we will have family home evening. We will have lessons and games and songs. Even if it’s just Connor and I because Ryan’s working, it will happen. Now, I just have to start planning….

2014

The start of a new year always means saying goodbye. I said some very painful goodbyes during 2013. In January, we said goodbye to Ryan’s grandfather. In March, a painful goodbye to one of the most important people in my life, my Gramma. And then in September, I said goodbye to the possibility of having any more children – something that is still impossible to say out loud.

But with every goodbye, there is always a hello. Sometimes it’s unexpected, other times it’s as comforting and familiar as the sun rising every morning. This year, I get to say hello to an addition coming to our family in March. I also get to say hello to the challenge of finding out what I truly want to be as I come to a close at my time with my current job. I’ll be introduced to new goals that I set out for myself to help my family become closer to each other, closer to our other family members, and closer to Christ.  I hope that I can say hello to a new me as I continue on my path of becoming healthier both emotionally, spiritually and physically – so that I can continue to understand who I am to help build the bridges each person so desperately needs with those around them. I imagine I’ll be saying hello to some hard truths, sorrow, and pai. But I also hope that I’ll welcome in happiness, expanding faith and a few miracles.

I’ve always followed the philosophy that how the new year starts out is a guide to how the year will be. Last year started with a goodbye and those goodbyes just got more painful as the year went on. This year. however, started out much better. It started with positivity, hope, love and laughter. It started with all my important relationships in a positive place and a peace in my heart. I’m looking forward to 2014 and the possibilities that the year holds to myself and my family. I’m saying hello with open arms.

Throwback Thursday

I have always loved writing stories. The first story I remember writing was when I was about four – six years old. It was only five or six sentences and ran along the lines of most little girls stories. There was good guy, a bad guy and there was a beginning, middle and end. It involved my best friend at the time being the heroine, and I the villianess. It wasn’t much, but it was the basis of many scenes playing in my head, usually mirroring whatever genre I was the most into at the time. for example, I was big into R. L. Stine horror books and so I wrote a few books involving vampires, banshees and things of that nature. In junior high my best friend and  I are obsessed with Archie comics so we wrote a lot of fan fiction. We had it down to an art! We matched up all the characters (and not pairings that were obvious either. I.e. Betty and Jughead) and after we finished the story, we even emailed each other the notes of the stories so they would still correspond, but be in the other characters perspective instead. I know, right?

So for this Throwback Thursday, I would like to Throwback one of my stories. There are no edits, and completely from my junior high self. (I’d also like to mention that my stories are in my Babysitters Club Journal – Classic child of the early nineties). Enjoy.

Betty Cooper

Hi! This is me Betty Cooper. You know the cute blonde in Riverdale? I thought you would remember.

Now that we’re reacquainted let me tell you what has happened in my life. First, I graduated Riverdale High and started dating again after a horrible breakup with Jon, my former datee. I cried for about a week. About in the middle Jughead came and told me that Jon was a real fool for dumpling me. I thanked Juggie. And for the first time in his life, Jughead kissed me. Right on the cheek. The first kiss in his life! I was so excited. Jughead was into girls! This was the chance to really grab him.

“Juggie?” I asked him in my most sexiest voice. “I’m ordering five large pizzas. Would you like to stay for dinner?”

“Would I!” Jughead answered, his voice just starting to change.

I was so happy! Jughead was staying over for dinner! The book Big Ethel wrote really worked! But what about when college started? I had been accepted almost to all the Universities in Riverdale county. But where was Jughead going? I wanted to go to the same one that he was going to. I had to ask him tonight.

35 minutes had gone by after I ordered it. Archie, as usual was late again.

As we were eating, I brought the subject up. “So, Jughead. What college are you going to?”

“Riverdale University. What else? Besides, Archie’s going there, I gotta be close to my buddy you know.”

“Of course. How could I forget Archie? That backstabbing son-of-a…. By the way, you know this is such a coincidence. I’m going to R.U. Too”.

“Really? You know I hear that the whole gang was going there. Except Dilton. He had to go to Oklahoma”.

Okay, enough with the talking. Let’s get to the good business.

R.U. was pretty amazing. I was in a room with MIdge and Ronnie.

One night Jughead came to my dorm and asked if I could put on a fancy dress and be ready in five minutes. I couldn’t imagine what he was doing so I played along.

I met him downstairs. I was so surprised! He was in his tux. He knelt down and took my hand.

“Omigosh!” I though. “He’s going to propose!”

“Betty, ” He started to say as tears rolled down my cheeks. “Ever since I’ve known you I’ve always been in love with you. Even though I looked like I didn’t, I did. Betty Cooper, will you be mine for ever?”

“Of course I will, Juggie! But not until we graduate.”

“Fine with me.”

It took about two more years to graduate and six months later we got married. I began working as a vet and Juggie and I moved to a big farm with an 1000 acre field space. We also have milllions of animals for my practices. Oh and I talk to the gang but usually I’m at my clinic.

Just yesterday we had our school reunion. It was great to see friends and enemies. I was surprised to see that most of the gang married other people from R.U.

Now I am alone at the age of 60. Poor Juggie died. He died by eating himself to death. I guess he died the way he wanted to. It was his favorite thing to do – even when he was a kid.

Here is where I must end my story. That was my life after 16. I have no more to tell. Goodnight.

 

 

Books I have Read: 2013

As one of my New Year Goals, I challenged myself to read at least one book per month. I’ve actually surpassed that, and hope to continue the trend. I love to read, but found life was getting in the way (or rather, I didn’t make it as high as a priority in my life as I should). So, here they are, in the order of being read (as 2013 is not over yet, there will of course be ongoing edits to include all the books)

1. The Time-Keeper ~ Mitch Albom

Words cannot express how much I love Mitch Albom’s books. Although his previous book, “Have a Little Faith”, really didn’t do much for me, all other ones have been fantastic. I find his fiction much more enjoyable than his non-fiction (other than Tuesdays with Morrie, which, as his first book, got me hooked to his writing). The Time-Keeper is about Father Time, and his story. A nice, short read, but quite profound as well.

2. Secret Daughter ~ Shilpi Somaya Gowda

Warning: You will cry. But it’s a good cry. This book the kind that’s told by three different viewpoints, which is something I enjoy. The first is by a woman in India, who gives birth to a girl in 1984 and gives her up for adoption and later goes on to have a son, The second is by a woman in North America who happens to adopt said baby girl. And the 3rd is told by the girl as she is older, and going back to India to find her roots. As someone who has struggled with infertility and who happens to be adopted, it really hit some chords within me which probably heightened my reading experience. But it is eye-opening as well, as the truths of gender selection in countries like India are addressed as well. It’s worth a read!

3. The Book of Mormon Girl ~ Joanna Brooks

I was interested in reading this book mainly because I’m a convert to the Church and am always intrigued by each individual take on this ‘culture’. Especially the viewpoint of those who grew up within the Church and really don’t know much else. Also, as this was about a girl growing up as a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints in California, I knew this was going to be even more different than someone growing up in Utah. At times it was hard to read, these truths and understandings of a different era that don’t always mix with my own understanding of the doctrine. But it was respectfully written, and I enjoyed it.

4. Sloppy Firsts ~ Megan McCafferty

This is a re-read of a series I got into a few years ago. I forgot how much I loved it and how I totally get sucked into the story! Maybe it has something to do with the main character the same age I am and so the timelines are exact for both of us (ages, graduated at the same time, etc). It could also be the fact that it’s written in the style of a journal, so you feel privy to only the deepest secrets of the character. Whatever it is, I love it and it’s about the third time I’ve read the series.

5. Second Helpings ~ Megan McCafferty

(see above)

6. Charmed Thirds ~ Megan McCafferty

(see above)

7. Fourth Comings ~ Megan McCafferty

(see above)

8. Perfect Fifths ~ Megan McCafferty

(see above)

9. Wedding Night ~ Sophie Kinsella

I’m a huge fan of Sophie Kinsella (although I’m not really into the Shopaholic Series), and this is the latest book that’s come out by her. It really only takes place in the course of a few weeks with the main chunk of book being about the Wedding Night itself. This is really Chicklit at it’s finest. I laughed, gasped and couldn’t wait to get to the end of the book to find out what happened. Okay, I may have actually read the end while I was still in the middle of the book (I really needed to know what was going to happen!), and then re-read the end five times. It was great!

10. The Story of a Marriage ~ Andrew Sean Greer

This is the second time I’ve read this book and still just as enjoyable. I found myself shocked at the exact same places in the book as I was reading it the first time. It’s the story of Pearl and her marriage to the love of her life. It takes place in San Fransisco during the fifties and sixties and is really phenomenal. I don’t want to give too much away because it really is such a good book. I see myself reading it a third time, for sure.

Trust

Two days ago I ended up going to Emergency due to a potential blood clot in my leg. There was information my husband thought I should give the triage nurse right away and was a bit miffed that I only offered information when asked directly. “You’re not one to offer information, are you?” He asked me the day after as we drove to a family get-together. And what we discovered in talking about why I’m like that came down to basically one thing – my inability to trust people.

Anyone who really knows me knows that I don’t divulge information about myself willingly. Although, I think my husband knows the most about my life, not one person on this Earth knows 100% of me. I don’t trust people enough, plain and simple. I imagine this goes back to my inability to attach to people as well, a direct correlation to being adopted. And honestly, I’ve never been proven that if I were to admit something to someone around me, that I would continued to be accepted, that I would receive the care I needed. I’ve tried to tell people things, but I’m rarely taken seriously about anything. In high school, I would talk about my life and get disinterest, or disbelief that I could ever have those types of feelings. So I stopped talking.

Recently I tried being open and honest again and it resulted in bad feelings and a crumbled relationship that is just starting a foundation again. My thoughts that this relationship was secure enough was seemingly something I had mistakenly believed. I had finally started building my wall of trust and it crumbled easier than the relationship I had put it into. Why should I trust people when I’ve been shown over and over again that those people really won’t be there when I need them the most? So I hide within myself, waiting for someone to prove me wrong.

I wish people would keep trying. I wish those in my life would realize what a screwed-up mess I am and be patient with me and my emotional self. I will eventually put myself out there. But if I don’t get anything in return, I’ll stop. If I can’t say or be me without repercussion, my trust is lost. Just know that I’ll get there as long as you keep coming back and showing me that I’m worth something in your life. It may take longer than the majority of the population out there, but you just have to keep trying. I promise that once my trust has come back, and I’m comfortable enough to feel attached to you as part of my life, I will always be there whenever you need me. But you have to put yourself out there first and let me know it’s okay.

Hello world!

Isn’t it funny how someone can start so many things? I’m hoping this one thing I’ve started I can continue. This is something I need, and I hope maybe my journey in this life will help someone else along the way.