All of me

Just another weblog


on October 2, 2011

Two days ago I ended up going to Emergency due to a potential blood clot in my leg. There was information my husband thought I should give the triage nurse right away and was a bit miffed that I only offered information when asked directly. “You’re not one to offer information, are you?” He asked me the day after as we drove to a family get-together. And what we discovered in talking about why I’m like that came down to basically one thing – my inability to trust people.

Anyone who really knows me knows that I don’t divulge information about myself willingly. Although, I think my husband knows the most about my life, not one person on this Earth knows 100% of me. I don’t trust people enough, plain and simple. I imagine this goes back to my inability to attach to people as well, a direct correlation to being adopted. And honestly, I’ve never been proven that if I were to admit something to someone around me, that I would continued to be accepted, that I would receive the care I needed. I’ve tried to tell people things, but I’m rarely taken seriously about anything. In high school, I would talk about my life and get disinterest, or disbelief that I could ever have those types of feelings. So I stopped talking.

Recently I tried being open and honest again and it resulted in bad feelings and a crumbled relationship that is just starting a foundation again. My thoughts that this relationship was secure enough was seemingly something I had mistakenly believed. I had finally started building my wall of trust and it crumbled easier than the relationship I had put it into. Why should I trust people when I’ve been shown over and over again that those people really won’t be there when I need them the most? So I hide within myself, waiting for someone to prove me wrong.

I wish people would keep trying. I wish those in my life would realize what a screwed-up mess I am and be patient with me and my emotional self. I will eventually put myself out there. But if I don’t get anything in return, I’ll stop. If I can’t say or be me without repercussion, my trust is lost. Just know that I’ll get there as long as you keep coming back and showing me that I’m worth something in your life. It may take longer than the majority of the population out there, but you just have to keep trying. I promise that once my trust has come back, and I’m comfortable enough to feel attached to you as part of my life, I will always be there whenever you need me. But you have to put yourself out there first and let me know it’s okay.


One response to “Trust

  1. Becca Reid says:

    *hugs* I love you Jen! Don’t forget that!

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