All of me

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25 Things ~ 21-25

Can it be? Could I actually be finished my 25 things about me series?

21. Attention makes me uncomfortable.

Anyone who has ever paid me a compliment or brought up something involving me knows what I mean here. I shrink away. Literally. I can feel myself hunch my shoulders, move back and put my head down. I don’t like it, it makes me feel uncomfortable and I would much rather just be in the background. I wasn’t always like this, but as I’ve gotten older, I just feel like things should be done because we’re good people who do good things. Not to voice everything for recognition or praise (although, I will admit that sometimes I would appreciate someone saying good job, or that I’m a good mom and leaving it at that), but to just do it because it’s the right thing to do. Being humble is a big thing for me.

22. I’m fair to a fault.

Yep, everyone deserves the same thing. Even at my disadvantage. It’s what’s right (in my head, at least). This was how I was raised and even though I know it’s not always that black and white, it is to me. I’m honest, and fair and I hope these are qualities I can pass on to my child/ren as well. The downside to this characteristic is that I also expect it within my own circles, and am disappointed and sometimes angry when it doesn’t happen that way. Sometimes it can cause a lot of heartbreak, misunderstandings on my part and bad feelings, but I’m trying to understand the shades of grey when it comes to this. But it’s taking a while.

23. I’m hypersensitive to negative body-language. Or, I will take sometimes innocent actions of others and make them something negative towards me (usually in the attachment sense).

So if I always walk into a room to join a conversation and people leave (whether they legitimately have something else to do), I will take it as them not wanting to be around me. Rejecting an invitation makes me feel the same way. I try to be rational about it, but sometimes when you’re dealing with attachment problems, rationality means nothing. So if you’re wondering why I stopped responding positively to you, it’s probably because I’ve perceived too many negative reactions and I’m done trying. So be patient. Treat me like that lost puppy you just adopted from the pound who doesn’t come out from under the bed. Be patient, coax me and let me know you’re there no matter what I do. The trust will come, but it just takes a little longer, and it goes away faster than with most people.

24. I would much rather watch people interact that be a part of the interaction itself.

Just because I’m quiet doesn’t mean there’s something wrong! I grew up being the baby around a bunch of old people. I’m used to listening and observing what’s going on. I’m not ignoring you, disinterested or upset about something. I’m just taking it in. Especially with a new environment (which, my environments can seem new for a VERY long time!). I’m getting to know the dynamic so that when I do contribute, I don’t mess up and make a mistake, hurt, or offend someone. I love to be the watcher.

25. I’m always trying to be better.

I’m on a life-long journey to perfection. I have a long way to go. But I’m always trying to figure out ways to be a better friend, wife, daughter, employee…. just a better person in general. I’ve learned ways I can do better in some aspects of life, but I always welcome thoughts and criticisms. I think people are taken aback when I ask for what I can do to be better. I try and make it as personal as possible. I wish one relationship had been more open in the past of what my friend wanted from me as I don’t think we would be where we are today, but having that knowledge now I hope has made me a better friend now. So if there’s something that bugs you…please let me know! Sometimes it’s not always just a quirk you have to love or leave and I will try to fix it, or change it. But please don’t stop loving me if I can’t.

I’m finding out new things about me every day. But I hope this small glimpse will help you understand me, or just people in general. We are all different and we should embrace that. We should get to know each other on these types of levels – have an understanding to help us in our future interactions. And love those differences in each of us.

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I have a confession to make. Well, I have many confessions, but will just focus on one today. It’s a feeling that’s been creeping up on me for a while now, and just recently has come front and center into my life. Big breath…. I hate myself. There, I said it. I disgust myself, and more than half the time I wish I was someone else. Not just in appearance, but in who I am as well. I finally just confessed this to my husband a few days ago, even though the feeling has been there for some time.

In the last few years, I stopped being in pictures. I think self-consciously I was avoiding the part where I’d have to look at them again. To actually see the person everyone else sees and not the person in my mind. Because they are two very distinctly looking women. But that made me sad. I wanted to be in memories. I didn’t want to be the person who was there, but never really ‘there’. I wanted my son to see pictures of us together, to be a part of his growing up, his memories. So I started being in pictures again. Although, now, as I look at some of the pictures these last few months/year, I want to puke. I’m beginning to the see the real me and I don’t like it. I repulse myself! When I see a picture of my face I instantly, instinctively turn away. “That can’t possibly be me!” I think to myself.

And with that premier hate, I can do nothing but pick at all the other little perfections I see within myself. The fact that I’m not open with people, and that I don’t make friends easily weighs on my heart. That I feel all this compassion for those around me, but don’t have the courage to step forward and help them at times I know they need it most. That I shrink away into a corner and wish to be invisible. Except I’ve been trying to be invisible for so long, it’s worked for all aspects and I wish to be the person who can shine when they walk into a room and demand attention, demand to be the priority. Why can’t I be the priority? I know why. I’ve shrunken away for so long it’s a second nature, even when it’s not what I want to do.

How I long to be the one people change their schedules for! Not the one changing my schedule for someone else. I wish people would lust after me. That I could be the one people’s memories linger after. However, in reality, my name is usually the last thing people remember and the first name people forget. I’m just here. I don’t feel like I’ve done anything special in my adult life. I just am.

The funny thing? I don’t even like attention! I get all embarrassed when I”m noticed, praised, or flattered.  I know I can’t have it both ways. So what do I want? I want to be the outspoken, outwardly affectionate person I feel inside (but is locked away inside me). I want to embrace who I am, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I want to be able to tell people around me that I love them, and that they mean the world to me (and I try, but the words get locked in my throat). I want to be able to offer help to those who need it, without being asked. I want to be able to be myself around the people I spend the most time with, even if they don’t like it – and be okay if they don’t. I don’t want to have to change me for someone else. And I want to be okay with that. I don’t want to have to live hoping that people will like me. I just want to live. I don’t want to be broken.

I want to smile proudly in pictures, confident in who I am and what I look like. I want to believe I”m beautiful when I’m told so. I want to be able to shop in regular stores. I want to like shopping. I want to be able to buy clothes on sale because they’re my size and not have to pay $60 for a new shirt because stores can charge whatever they want to the plus-size market as we don’t really have many places/options to shop.  I want to look good in a flow-y top, not like I’m wearing a tent. I want to wear boots that go higher than the ankle. I want to be able to cross my legs! I don’t want my pants to roll down below my stomach when I sit down.

And I am working on the physical part. I’m trying to improve myself on the other parts as well, although I feel like for every step I take, I get pushed back two. I’m trying to be who I used to be, not the scared little girl I”m growing up into. I’m trying to take risks again, but because of past repercussions, I am terrified.  I think I’m starting to see a glimmer of hope, and all of me is wishing a cloud doesn’t cover it too soon.


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