All of me

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Hi, My name is Jennifer…

on August 5, 2013

….and I have an addiction.

No, it’s not alcohol, tobacco, or pornography.

It’s food.

I’ve never had a great relationship with food. I was given sweets from my family and then super-restricted at home. I started to correlate love with junk food. When my parents would leave me home alone I would scourge the cupboards… I would sneak chocolate, marshmallows, fudge, or frozen cookies. Never enough to make a huge difference, but enough to get my fix.

This conintued into my adulthood and I feel is starting to become a problem.

Because I don’t want my son to make the same choices I have. I want him to choose a healthy and active lifestyle. I want him to love food and be responsible with food. I don’t want him to fall into the same trap I have.

I still sneak food – but larger quantities. I live close to a gas station so I can easily pick up all the junk food I want and sit down and eat it all. My parents aren’t there to stop me anymore, and I don’t have anyone critisizing my actions. But now it’s turning into a problem.

I will eat secretly. When I’m around people I will eat very small amounts, and then when I get home I will binge out on whatever I can find. I try so hard to be good, I really do. But when I have one taste of a carbohydrate, my body goes out of control. I will eat whatever I can find in a very short amount of time. It doesn’t matter if I’m hungry or not.

The hardest thing with a food addiction is that you can’t take food out of your life. You’re an alcoholic? Get rid of all the booze in your house, stay away from bars the people who drink in your life. You can’t do that with food. If I take food out of my life and disassociate myself with all the people who eat food that I know, I will die all by myself in a little room. That sure doesn’t sound like fun.

So it’s completely up to me to be able to handle all the stressors and triggers in my life. And that’s hard. It also requires me to ask for help more often, which I am certainly NOT good at. Everyday is a new beginning and a new chance to be better. I still have mess-ups and binges, but I take it as a win when I have one less sweet than I did before.

Everything starts with baby steps. Here I go…

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