All of me

Just another weblog

25 Things ~ 16-20

on October 10, 2012

16. I am very practical.

My husband calls me a spartan – my family calls me practical. When I buy clothes I make sure I can make more than one outfit with them. I own black shoes only because they’ll go with practically anything – and the things they don’t go with I don’t own. I ask for things I need for my birthday and Christmas – not neccessarily things I want. Growing up I always got new clothes and school supplies because it was a week before school started. I loved it! I have a hard time buying frivolous things because I just don’t need them and when I do, I usually feel bad about it.  I would rather live in simplicity – it makes life feel less complicated.

17. Saying goodbye is one of the hardest things for me to do.

I hate goodbyes and I usually shy away from them. I think it has something to do with my attachment issues. I especially hate goodbyes when I know it’s probably the last time I”ll ever see that person or thing again. This week I’m facing my goodbye anxiety with my cat, Gus and I’m absolutely going crazy about it. I wish we never had to say goodbye. Wouldn’t it be great if your pet was guaranteed to live as long as you did and was always there for you? Or a friendship you made was guaranteed for life? I know goodbye is a natural part of life but it really doesn’t make it easier. I think goodbye in terms of death is easier for me because of my faith – but does that carry over to your pet? I hope so. Will you friendships be renewed when you meet again? Maybe – but if not, perhaps we’ll have a better knowledge and acceptance for the flow of life and relationships. So if we have to say goodbye and I shy from it or hide in a corner it has nothing to do with you – I’m trying to hide from the goodbye is all.

18. I constantly compare myself to others and because of it I am often jealous.

I think everyone has done this at least once. And I know it’s not accurate to compare yourself because in that there is an obvious flaw. You will always compare the worst of yourself with the best you see in others. Of course you’ll never add up. Of course you’ll wish you were them.  And in that comes number 19:

19. I’m trying not to do that.

And I’ve been relatively good at it. I’ll stare at big houses and wish I had one, but then I think about the cost, the cleaning and remember that what I live in has allowed my husband and I to have a baby and will allow me the chance to be a permanent stay-at-home mom. It may be humble dwellings, but the outside doesn’t matter. We have enough space for us and it keeps us safe.  Or you may look at a couple and think they have everything – but you have know idea what goes on beneath the surface.  Going to Church has helped me tremendously in understanding that we are the same people in God’s eye whether we make 10 thousand a year or a 100 thousand. What matters is what we are doing to be the best people we can be on earth. So I stick to that.

However, in terms that I’m no so good at the comparisons I make with other people and how much they’re liked, or if they’re loved more than me, or my husband, or my son. How relationships are different for different people and even though things were done a certain way in a previous situation with specific people, doesn’t mean it will necessarily happen with you or your family. This is the hardest and probably the one that causes the most pain. It’s something I’m going through right now and trying to get over. I guess I just wish that I understood everything to be able to make sense of those tiny intricacies. But I know I can’t, so I usually sit back. Sometimes the pain lingers and other times I can get past it. It’s the hardest when I see it happening to my son, though – even though he doesn’t understand or necessarily care.

20. Some of my greatest fears have come true.

My sister in law got pregnant before I did. Ryan and I were forced to do IVF if we wanted to have a baby. We are in debt. I’m fat. I’ve lost best friends. I’m not truly accepted by the people I care about the most.  I’ve let people down. I have never been forgiven. I am in a constant circle of double-standards and I have no way to get out. My son isn’t as loved as I had hoped.

Some of these are perception, I admit. But there’s still truth in perception, is there not? But out of those fears I have also found blessings and so I’m not sorry for them. And with some of my fears just presenting themselves – and for those that will present itself in the future, I know the rainbow will come.


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