In April of 2013 I hit my all-time low. My Gramma had been sick for a few months, I was so stressed out and eating whatever I could find. I hit the highest weight I ever wanted to see on the scale – 283 pounds. I had seen the number before, but I was pregnant and so it didn’t bother me quite so much. But this time, it was all me. Too much of me, honestly. I was uncomfortable and didn’t want to go shopping because I was afraid of the size of clothes I’d have to end up buying. So I crammed myself in what I have, lying to myself that I was still okay, and going about day by day. It wasn’t until we took a family picture the day of my grandmother’s funeral that I saw what everyone else saw. My neck was gone and the huge doe-eyes that I regarded proudly were now small and beady, covered by all the cheek fat in my face. How could I have not seen this? My sight was so clouded – I had no idea the damage I was doing. I needed to change something.
I remember calling my mom after we had gotten home, and asked if she would help pay for this diet plan I had heard about on this forum I am part of. This one girl on it had lost over 100 pounds over the course of a year. I did some searching and it looked like it targeted and worked the best for women with PCOS, insulin and diabetes. The plan was called Ideal Protein and it worked by putting your body in ketosis, by following a strict high protein, low carb and low fat diet. By being in ketosis, your pancreas got a break as, instead of making insulin to fuel your body, your body just used the current stores already in your body.
Mom was leary, to say the least. Mainly because, although the diet is over 25 years old, it’s a fairly new concept for North America (it was originated in France). And because I had already gotten sick from a previous diet 6 years ago (Herbal Magic), she was worried it would happen again. But after much convicing, tears and yelling – she agreed to help us out.
I started my journey on April 10, 2013. By 10 weeks, I had already lost over 20 pounds. I could finally see a light at the end of the tunnel. I went on a family vacation and watched those around me eat pizza, toast, snacks and all those good things while I stuck to my plan. The pounds seemed to melt off and I was feeling good. As time progressed, I started sneaking other food. I would eat spoonfuls of peanut butter, telling myself that it was okay because it was mostly protein. The weight loss got slower, and I found myself getting out of control again.
I took a break in the summer so we could try fertility treatments again. When they failed, I started eating out of emotion and between the medication I was on and my uncontrollable impulse, I had gained back 20 of the 35 pounds I had lost. The clothes that were almost too big for me to wear were getting tight again. My face was getting puffy and I started not liking myself.
So I sat down and looked at my self – I re-evaluated what I was doing. I got honest and admitted what I had said many times, but never actually confronted. I had an addiction. I analyzed my eating habits and diagnosed my ‘triggers’. If I couldn’t control myself around certain foods, I had to take them out of my life completely. This meant no more Nutella or Peanut Butter in the house as I new I wouldn’t be able to control myself. No chocolate chips for baking, no tantalizing carb-y treats, cookies, chips, pop or juice. My house was on lock-down. I knelt in prayer often, asking Heavenly Father to help me have the strength I needed, for him to take away the cravings I felt.
He did. I was strong again. And after Halloween I got back on track. I don’t have the urge to sneak food. I don’t want the stuff I know I can’t have and I’m satisfied not having it. Since starting again in November, I have lost 40 pounds….and since April I have lost 60. This is the year I will succeed. I will control my demons, my addictions and I will lean on the strength of both my Heavenly Father and Brother because I know they will get me through.
For the first time in such a long time, when I look in the mirror, how I look reflects the image of myself that I have in my head, too. I’m genuinely more happy and my love for picture-taking is coming back. I’m starting to love myself again and I hope by doing that, I can start accepting the love others have for me as well.
Here’s my progress….